Friends With Benefits
by zoellaa
Summary: Love is a losing game. For Rachel, it just seems to be failed relationship after failed relationship. When you having nothing to show for it but a broken heart... sometimes a relationship is the last thing you need.
1. Chapter 1

_Someone once said: "It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time." But me... I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember. Even if I don't write it down._

**Chapter one**

It wasn't working. No matter how hard she tried it just wasn't working. She believed that she loved him, she truly did, but she just couldn't shake the feeling that she was in fact lying to herself that she was happy in this relationship. And this irritated her to no end because she had had such high expectations.

It had been about four months since she had decided to give Finn another chance; after her latest failed relationship with a certain egotistical heartbreaker she had turned to Finn in hopes he might help her forget that particular error in judgement. Thinking of that time with _him _as a relationship however, seemed somewhat ill fitting considering how blatantly obvious it was just exactly why he had suddenly come into her life at that specific time.

After it ended she had gone over it in her head more times than she'd care to admit and all thoughts led back to one person: Shelby Corcoran.

The timing was just too suspicious to be a mere coincidence. First _he_ came into her life, gained her trust and convinced her to go searching for the woman that gave her life. Then directly after she had come face to face with her (in a rather suitably dramatic meeting Rachel thought) he had left. It all became clear to Rachel that he had completed his task and there was no longer any need for him to be slumming with her. Why would he when he could go back to his much more prestigious show choir where he was worshipped, treated like a celebrity? Given the same opportunity she's not sure she would stick around at McKinley with its daily ridicule and slushy facials for very long either (not that she would admit that to any of the kids in glee club). And if his rejection wasn't bad enough, her birth mother then decided she didn't want Rachel either. So yeah, it wasn't the best week she's ever had. Of course upon finding out about Jesse's betrayal (it was comforting to her that she now only felt mild annoyance when she thought this name, rather than she stabbing pain she felt not so many months ago) all of New Directions had assumed he had played her in order to crush them at Regional's. Rachel wasn't that naïve, she knew that Vocal Adrenaline were better than them. As much as she tried to encourage her team members and instil confidence that they were just as good, if not better, she knew the truth. It was to be expected of course; Vocal Adrenaline had a much more experienced coach, better facilities and a ludicrously indulgent budget. Although she was confident that her talent and ability as the female lead of her club matched that of Jesse, she knew that New Directions with their limited number of members and poorly choreographed routines were just not good enough to beat them. Even though she agreed that her team possessed the heart and raw emotion that Mr. Schuester was always rambling on about, she knew that heart doesn't win singing competitions. Talent, star quality and a perfectly constructed performance does; and they just weren't on the same level as Vocal Adrenaline. Once she had realised all of this it became clear that his motivation for using her lay elsewhere; from there on it didn't take a genius to connect the dots. Whether he knew about Shelby's uncaring and insensitive decision to immediately abandon Rachel after forcing her way into her daughter's life was a mystery to her.

As much as Jesse had hurt her by deceiving her and then humiliating her by egging her in the parking lot that fateful day, Rachel had long since moved on from harbouring feelings of hatred towards him. She understood the egging was his need to prove his loyalty to his team. In fact, the familiar feeling that she may be at risk of losing her spotlight was enough to make Rachel realise she wouldn't have acted all that differently, were she ever in the same situation.

When it came to performing, she was selfish. She knew that, he knew that and she's pretty sure everyone else in glee club knows that too.

The only difference was that unlike the kids in glee, he understood. He understood that Rachel was overly self-confident (when it came to her talent that is), incredibly melodramatic and she wouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way of her and her dreams. If this meant destroying anyone that posed a threat to her then so be it (as much as she assured everyone she did, she still couldn't bring herself to feel guilty about sending that Sunshine girl to a crack house earlier this year). To most, these would not seem like the most attractive qualities in a person, but to him they were, because he was Jesse St. James and he was _exactly_ the same. In theory they would have made a great couple, with them being so strikingly similar and part of her wonders how things would have played out had they been given a real chance. Unfortunately their whole relationship was one big lie, to him at least, an acting exercise whereas Rachel played the part of the clueless casualty. She was just another person for him to step on, on his way to the top. As much as it hurt that he never really had any feelings for her at all, the pain was nothing compared to what she felt after the abandonment of her estranged birth mother.

She had been used to feeling rejection since a young age and she never really let it faze her, always keeping in mind that she would have to get used to rejection in the career she had chosen for herself. But all the preparation in the world wasn't enough to protect her from how she felt when she was rejected by her own mother. A mother's love is supposed to be unconditional, that's what they always say right? Shelby hadn't wanted Rachel and as quickly as she had decided that, she was gone. She quit her job at Carmel High after she led Vocal Adrenaline to they're 4th consecutive National title, and if that wasn't enough of a slap in the face she adopted the spawn of Rachel's prime tormentor. That hurt more than anything. It wasn't that Shelby didn't want to be a mother; she just didn't want to be _her_ mother. It was hard enough always feeling second best to Quinn Fabray at school and in her relationships. First Finn had chosen Quinn over Rachel, then Puck had (though she hadn't cared as much about Puck but it was still annoying) and even Mr. Shuester was giving her more solo's lately when it was obvious Quinn didn't have the talent to carry a song by herself. She never expected her own mother would do the exact same thing and choose Quinn's unwanted baby over Rachel. Being discarded like that, without any sign of remorse from Shelby had been agony. The one person she had always longed for since as long as she could remember had walked out of her life without so much as a second glance and that had sent Rachel into a never ending spiral of despair. Her fathers had insisted she see a therapist twice a week.

Once she had cried all her tears (or at least those that she'll admit to) and picked herself up off her bedroom floor for the first time in three days; along came a welcome distraction in the form of one Finn Hudson. He told her he loved her and she decided that without National's, school or anything else to work towards for the next few months, focusing her energy into a new relationship was exactly what she needed.

And now, just over four months after embarking on her new and improved (or so she hoped at the time) relationship with Finn, Rachel is sitting in her bedroom wondering how it all went wrong.

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><p><strong>Please be patient for Jesse! There's some stuff that needs to be expressed before he can make his appearance. I'll try not to leave you hanging for too long!<strong>

**Remember to review if you want chapter two**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It all started out so well. They had begun the summer going on dates and everything seemed easy and effortless. Thinking back Rachel realises this probably had something to do with the fact that the rest of the student body wasn't there to watch them, therefore Finn didn't have to feel the pressure of maintaining his reputation. It seems strange to her that she had never thought about that before but all she knew at the time was that she liked how she felt when she was with him. All of the heartbreak she had been dealing with just didn't seem as crippling; it was still there but it was as if Finn was filling, or at least covering the hole Jesse and Shelby had gouged in her heart.  
>At first the relief was fleeting; only offering any form of solace while she was there with him, while she had him to distract her from what was under the surface. It was more like a band-aid for a bullet wound but gradually it became easier to leave the pain behind and concentrate on Finn and where their relationship was going. It became even easier as school started back in the fall, walking the halls together. Although she wasn't popular, things immediately got easier for her as the quarterbacks girlfriend; she liked the security he offered her which is why she decided to fully invest herself in the relationship. So with her improved status at school, a doting boyfriend who truly loved her (no acting exercises, scheming mothers or professional motivations) and glee club to focus on Rachel slowly got over her mommy issues. I mean she wasn't going to be sending her a Christmas card any time soon but she had moved on enough to not let it bother her. After all, she had two loving fathers who supported and cared for her unconditionally, a super cute popular boyfriend and a growing friendship with Mercedes and Kurt; life could be a lot worse.<p>

So why was she sitting here right now questioning her relationship? Because of course everything could only go downhill from there. As the first semester went idly by the glee club encountered some inevitable drama on the way to sectionals, some Rachel had expected (of course Quinn would be back on the Cheerio's the minute she got her body back into fighting shape) and others more surprising (Kurt leaving for Dalton Academy being the biggest shocker of them all). The most surprising thing however, was that none of the drama was surrounding Rachel and Finn. She had almost expected something to go wrong, their history not working in their favour, but aside from the small disagreement over Rachel sending Sunshine Corazon to a crack house (to be honest everyone really made it into a bigger deal than it was considering it was inactive) they had been solid as a rock. She knew it was only a matter of time before something came out of the woodwork, intent on destroying the relationship she'd put so much time, energy and commitment in to. This newly developed paranoia perhaps wasn't the best thing for the situation; in fact it was probably what caused them to start growing apart.

This was when she started to feel it; the discontented, miserable and generally unhappy feeling that she was now so accustomed to in her relationship with Finn. Her paranoia getting the best of her, Rachel was convinced her days with Finn were numbered. Something was going to tear them apart, she was sure of it and she became obsessed with trying everything she could to salvage the relationship. This all came to light a few weeks ago at the Hudson-Hummel wedding when Rachel walked in on Finn and Santana talking, standing suspiciously close.

That was the moment, right there, that the insecurity kicked in.

It wasn't Santana herself that she was feeling insecure about (although if there's any girl that can put the fear of God in every girlfriend in all of Ohio its Santana) but more like it was a sign; a sign that something was coming and it was only a matter of time. Rachel pinpoints that exact moment as when everything got out of control. She started dressing differently, less preppy and more _normal_ (boring even) hoping people would tease her less and Finn wouldn't have to feel threatened. She didn't want to be a loser girlfriend.  
>Over the next few weeks Rachel started to change herself more and more, trying to be more laid-back, not so outspoken and in everyone's faces. Although people seemed to appreciate this and find her more tolerable, Rachel had never felt more miserable. She wasn't being herself and instead she started to feel like a broken shell of a person, desperately trying to fit the mould of what everyone else thought (and often said to her face) she should be. Nothing eased her insecurity though, and her last attempt to make Finn feel happy being in a relationship with her happened last weekend when she finally lost her virginity to him. It hadn't been in her plan to have sex until she was 25 but she convinced herself that she needed to have this kind of experience to acquire roles that required her to perform intimate scenes; it was really a professional move as much as it was a personal one. They had done it a few times now, and although she couldn't deny that it was getting better and more enjoyable for her than it was a first; it was also hard to deny that it really had not improved their relationship they way she thought it would. Yes they were closer as a couple, which is only to be expected after being intimate, but she couldn't shake the (albeit irrational) feeling that she was just providing him with enough experience sexually, to run off with a more desirable girl.<p>

Rachel was jolted out of her inner turmoil when she heard a car horn outside. Looking up at the clock from where she was sitting at the kitchen table she noticed it was 7.45 and that Finn must be outside to give her a ride to school. She dumped her untouched breakfast smoothie in the sink, grabbed her book bag and left the house. She smiled as she saw his big lopsided grin from inside his truck and she vowed that she would forget about the thoughts that have been plaguing her all morning and continue being Finn Hudson's loving and adoring girlfriend. As she climbed into the car and he gave her a smile and an affectionate kiss on the lips she wondered what she had been worried about in the first place.

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><p><strong>Had an uneventful day... thought I would post this now before I lose interest.<strong>

**Please review and let me know if you want me to continue or not!**

**xoxo Zoellaa**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Usually Rachel couldn't wait for the school day to be over. Today, despite the standard insults thrown at her by Santana and the way Mr. Schuester was constantly overlooking her talent in favour of the considerably inferior members of the glee club, she felt the complete opposite. As the last bell rang signalling the end of the day, Rachel longed for just a few more hours before she had to go home. This may seem quite unusual, because really what teenager wishes the school day to be longer than it already is? But Rachel was avoiding what was waiting for her at home and there was no way she wanted to deal with that any sooner than she absolutely had to.

The Berry's had recently moved to a new house, and although it was bigger, nicer and generally more impressive all Rachel could think about was the fact that it wasn't the house she had grown up in. Her fathers hadn't originally even wanted to view the house, because really who needs an outdoor swimming pool in Ohio? But their realtor had insisted and once they had seen the house itself they had fallen in love with it. They had recently taken on a whole mass of new clients (both of her dad's were divorce attorneys) and were in need of larger office space, thus the main reason for the move. To them, Rachel seemed happy and supportive about the whole thing but in reality she couldn't be more devastated or outraged. No matter what was going on in her life, all the drama that seemed to follow her, that house was the one thing that always remained constant. It was the only place she could completely be herself and let her guard down. It was home. Of course she would never let her dads in on this particular secret because as silly as it sounded, she liked being the perfect daughter. The person they could always rely on to look on the bright side of things; really she just didn't want to disappoint them. So she did what she always does when she's feeling discontented: slap on a show face and move on. Because really, why would she want to make anyone else's life any more difficult.

While her fathers had taken an entire week off work for the move, Rachel had not had this privilege. Her room remained full of boxes while the rest of the house was perfectly decorated, furnished and unpacked (though how they had managed that in only one week was beyond her). As much as she despised living in utter chaos she had been putting off unpacking for days. Once she has unpacked it makes it all real and she just isn't ready for that yet.

Rachel had originally wanted to decorate her new bedroom to be an exact replica of the room she had so many memories in. Making her nightly MySpace videos, making out with Puck, getting her first makeover from Kurt, making out with Jesse, working on glee assignments, making out with Finn, watching old musicals with Puck, Jesse and Finn (though not all at the same time). That room had memories. This room though, this room had no memories. She wonders who that bedroom will belong to next and it saddens her to think that that person won't know about all the songs that filled those walls, all the funny anecdotes that are still laughed about today (did someone say sad clown hooker?) or all the loving words and gentle caresses exchanged behind closed doors. Her dads however, had suggested she decorate her room a little more grown up, after all she was a junior in high school now and was "a little too old to be living in a bedroom that looks like it belongs in a My Little Pony commercial". She had not appreciated that particular comment too much. But reluctantly she had agreed on painting it crème, a colour her daddy had labelled as "timeless". She hated it. Her dads insisted it was because the room currently looked bare without anything being unpacked and had instructed her to not put it off any longer.

"So you wanna keep me company while I finally unpack?" she asked Finn hopefully as they pulled up outside her house.  
>"Um no offence Rach but that sounds really boring. I'll just see you at school tomorrow." Well she should have seen <em>that<em> one coming. He's never been one for participating in anything where there wasn't something in it for him. She was considering bribing him with sexual favours. Hey, any form of procrastination she was all for, but she immediately dismissed that idea since she really wasn't in the mood for _that_ tonight.  
>She slapped on her usual dazzling smile "oh yeah don't worry about it, I probably wont be much fun anyway. I'll see you tomorrow" and with a quick peck on the lips she said goodbye.<p>

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><p>Making her way around the house, Rachel was noticing little things that needed to be taken care of. Important things like refilling the tissues, straightening a picture frame, washing the two glasses left by the sink and organising the refrigerator magnets (she liked them in a specific order). Finally when she had run out of tasks, she reluctantly made her way to her bedroom.<br>Walking through her bedroom door she was met with the sight of stacks and stacks of brown cardboard boxes, all labelled with their contents. Sighing, she unwillingly made her way over to her laptop, opened her ITunes and searched for a song, finally deciding on "A House Is Not a Home" (the Barbra Streisand version obviously) thinking it seemed appropriate. Sticking her ITunes on shuffle she turned around and began with the box labelled 'cushions' haphazardly throwing them on her bed.

After a couple of hours she had most of the bigger stuff unpacked (blankets, clothes, shoes, books etc) and all that was really left were the decorative objects such as little ornaments and picture frames. She decided to take a break before she continued with those and looks around at her progress. The only good thing about the move (at least according to her) is that her dads let her have the downstairs bedroom with the glass doubles doors that open out onto the poolside patio. She remembered thinking at the time, that her bedroom having its own entrance might be useful for sneaking Finn in without her dads knowing.

She heads outside through the double doors looking at the sight in front of her. She hates this stupid new house, with its stupid pool and its stupid large garden. Walking around moodily she mutters a greeting at her neighbour who is currently walking out of his garage. Her dads had mentioned being excited about her meeting the lovely couple in their late 30's who were living next door. She recalls her daddy telling her (though she was barely listening) that they had immediately bonded with them over a mutual love for Broadway or something, and how they were looking forward to getting to know them. "I think you're really going to like them Rachel" her dad had insisted, "Claire- (she assumed that was the female of the two) was in glee club when she was younger just like you!"

"Cant wait" Rachel muttered bitterly as she sat down on a bench overlooking the garden. She didn't care about Claire and Tony and their love for Broadway, she didn't care about the peaceful environment of her new garden, and she _really_ didn't care that she hadn't felt this relaxed in a long time. She laughed out loud "pull yourself together Rachel" she said under her breath. She had two options: one, she could live here internally complaining about everything and be miserable, or two, she could make the best of the situation. She needed to stop acting like such a child and get on with it. And with that, she got up and determinedly made her way back inside ready to deal with what was left to unpack of her new bedroom.

Looking around with a new sense of realisation she actually noticed that her room was ok. In fact it was rather nice. She was pleasantly surprised that the boring colour of the walls she had originally hated was complemented by the powder pink colour of her bedding and curtains. It was still girly enough to suit her but instead of being suffocated by pink, the room looked more classic and mature. More eager than she had been before, she moved to unpack the rest of her stuff, personalising the space and adding homely touches. Once she was finished she sat on the bed and smiled at the result. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

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><p><strong>Hey! firstly I just wanna say thanks to everyone for reviewing :) I really appreciate it.<strong>

**Ok so I got this chapter done kinda fast.. I know its probably not the best but I'm just really excited about the next chapter which I'm gonna start now.**

**Oh and the chapters will hopefully be getting longer.. gradually. I'm just trying to get all this inbetweeny stuff out of the way first.**

**So please review and let me know what you think!**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The next few weeks went by in a flurry of dance rehearsals, vocal lessons and set list discussions. New Directions were now 2 weeks away from sectionals and everyone was feeling the pressure. They had gone through countless routines, combinations of vocals and options for soloists. It all seemed rather ridiculous to Rachel when she knew fine well that sooner or later they would realise they couldn't win without heavily featuring her vocals. She would end up singing a solo, a duet with Finn and then they would do a group number where she sang lead. It was an unbeatable combination, the judges will respond to it, and she's not going to stress out about it waiting for them all to grasp that. It will all work out; it's what's best for the team.

After a particularly gruelling day of rehearsal she came home exhausted, barely managing to put one foot in front of the other. It's a surprise she actually managed to drive herself home, she probably shouldn't be operating heavy machinery while she was this out of it. Walking down the driveway in a daze, something caught her eye. In her neighbours driveway stood a black range rover with the trunk wide open. _Huh, weird. I've never seen that parked there before_ she thought distractedly. Subconsciously, she checked the licence plate out of habit (ever since the egging black range rovers made her kind of nervous) but didn't recognise it. Shaking her head, mentally dismissing her paranoia she carried on walking past it, about to turn towards her door when she stopped dead in her tracks.

Stepping out of the back door of her neighbour's house was a curly haired boy, from head to toe in black, coming out to collect the remaining contents of his trunk. She wanted to run into her house and hide for a lifetime but her feet simply weren't listening to the brain signals telling them to move. She was rooted to the spot and he was drawing closer by the second. When he finally reached his car he glanced at her briefly before turning back towards his car. Hope momentarily built up inside her, thinking he hadn't noticed her and she would be able to flee inside, but it was less than a fraction on a second before his eyes were back on her.

"Please tell me I'm hallucinating" she muttered only to herself. But judging by thousand emotions currently clouding his face she knew that he had heard her.

"Rachel-"he started, but the look on his face made her stop him.

"No." she barked, pointing at him as she did so. She didn't want to hear this. She'd had a long, stressful day and last thing she needed was a bunch of feeble apologies (if he was even sorry at all) that were just going to dredge up old, painful memories. "Just no." And with that she turned around, storming through the double doors and into her bedroom, the glass shaking as she slammed them behind her.

She threw herself on her bed angrily, grabbing a cushion and screaming into it. _Just great_ she thought laughing bitterly. _All this time I've been waiting for something bad to happen. Idiot that I am, I thought it would have to do with Finn. Life really is a bitch._ Not five minutes had passed before she heard a knock at her door, "ughhhhh!" she groaned frustrated. _What is he doing here? And on all the days to bump into him I have to look - and smell – like I just ran a marathon._

When she didn't respond he knocked again "Rachel", annoyance saturating his tone, as if he thought she was being childish. _Oh hell no! He doesn't get to be the mature one here_ her voice screamed in her head. She pulled herself up off her bed and marched towards the door, show face in place she calmly swung it open "what do you want Jesse?" she said sounding only mildly irritated.

"Hey, so… guess we're neighbours now" he smirked, walking past her into her room.

She scoffed "please come in, make yourself at home" she spat out, her voice dripping with sarcasm. He made his way over to her desk chair, sat down crossing his arms over his chest and giving her his trademark smirk again.

"So Rachel, how have you been?" _Yeah, definitely not sorry at all. _"What have you been up to since…?" he trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence or even acknowledge the reason for the bitterness she exuded right now.

"_Since_…?" she questioned. Then she laughed dryly "Oh! You mean since the day I was attacked by a storm of flying eggs in the parking lot. Or perhaps you're referring to the day you beat us at Regional's almost ending glee club? Or _maybe_ it was the day my own mother decided she wouldn't bother with me after all. Take your pick Jesse but since you asked, I've been doing just fine. Thanks." She was trying really hard to keep her voice even and not flat out scream at him. She didn't know why she was even so angry, she'd put all of this behind her a long time ago. Then again, it all seemed at lot easier when she was under the impression she'd never have to see him again (or at least not until she was on Broadway with several Tony Awards to rub in his face).

For a second she thought she saw a flicker of something in his eyes, remorse maybe? But it was gone as soon as it came and his show face was back, arrogant smirk and all. God he was infuriating.

Then he laughed. _He laughed!_ "Seriously Rachel, you're still upset about that? That was months ago, maybe its time you moved on" his condescending tone making her want to throw something at his head. Of course he did feel sorry, immensely so, but he couldn't let her know that. Not without explaining why he did it and there was _no way_ he'd let her know how much she'd hurt him. Jesse St. James doesn't get his feelings hurt, especially not by some dumb little high school girl.

While she was looking around for something heavy to lob at his head something occurred to her "wait, if you're not here to apologise then why are you here bothering me? If this is you trying to secure some easy hook up partner just because I conveniently live next door to you then you can forget it. I have a boyfriend" she added for emphasis, and maybe to make him jealous. Maybe.

He laughed his stupid cocky laugh again, shaking his head "ah yes Finn. How is the giant oaf? I heard you guys started dating right after we broke up. Your welcome." God _Finn _he thought bitterly. Of course he'd seen it coming a mile off but that didn't mean it didn't sting.

"He's not an oaf" Rachel shook her head, "and he was there for me when I was going through all that shit so don't you dare judge me" she replied raising her voice slightly.

Jesse sighed, clearly she wasn't going to be pleasant to him anytime soon; he hadn't really been expecting any less, he's actually surprised she hasn't thrown anything at him yet. "To answer your question I was just coming over here to make sure there was no awkwardness between us. But I guess you already answered that for me". He got up to leave, but just as he reached the door Rachel spoke again.

"It is _baffling_ to me that you expected this to go any differently." She saw that look cross his face again; he opened his mouth as if to say something but then decided against it, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. She just stared at the door internally cursing herself for letting him get to her like that. _What the hell was that even about? I don't even care about all that anymore!_ She made a vow that the next time she saw him she would act completely indifferent, show him she was the bigger person.

Walking back over to his car, Jesse was having an internal meltdown of his own. He had been so close to apologising, telling her how much he regretted it all. But he chickened out at the thought of her asking for an explanation. An explanation he couldn't give her without admitting how close his heart had come to the breaking point just a few months ago (maybe his heart actually did break, but refusing to admit that to himself was the only thing that kept him from going totally crazy). He vowed one day he would tell her, and he would tell her everything. That day just wasn't today.

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><p>Over the next couple of weeks Rachel and Jesse saw each other almost everyday. Only passing in the driveway of course but that was still seeing him too much for her liking. It was the same every day, he's smirk at her, she'd roll her eyes and they would go their separate ways. She's never admit it to anyone but herself, but he seemed to be all she could think about lately. What's he doing back in Ohio? Why is he living next door? Why is he acting as if nothing has happened? All the things she wants to ask him if she ever gets the opportunity.<p>

She's been having trouble focusing lately and everyone in glee club has noticed. She swears its just stress, since they're only two days away from sectionals (she'd never tell them about Jesse being back right before they were about to compete. They would probably have a meltdown, thinking he's here to sabotage them). Rachel was busy wrapped up in her own thoughts about the song she had just selected for her and Finn when she realised Mr. Shuester was telling her she wouldn't be singing a solo for sectionals. _Wait, what? This isn't happening, this isn't happening, and Quinn? Quinn? We may as well just quit now._

"Ken and Barbie? Are you trying to throw this?" she demanded, completely bewildered.

"You used to be just sort of unlikeable" Quinn spoke, "but now I pretty much feel like punching you _every_ time you open your mouth."

_Ok this i__s insane! _Rachel hissed at Finn to do something, nodding along when he tried to convince Mr. Schue to reconsider. Before she knew it she was bickering with Santana over Finns attempt at leadership. She wasn't really even listening, not caring enough about whatever issue she had with Rachel this week. She had had her solo taken away and she needed to rectify this! She was thinking, grasping for anything she could say to get Schue to change his mind when Santana spoke again, shattering all thoughts of solos.

"That's right Yentl, your sweetheart; he's been lying to you. Cause he and I totally got it on last year." As the words left Santana's mouth, Rachel felt the room swirl around her, her legs feeling as if they would give way at any moment. Shaking her head clear of these unwanted thoughts she turned to Finn, thinking that it was just another one of Santana's ways to mess with her, but when she saw the look in his eyes she knew it was true.

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><p>The next day Rachel was still furious. She had talked to Finn about everything; they even tried couples counselling with Miss Pillsbury, but nothing had helped. So when Noah Puckerman approached her in the hallway she saw an opportunity for revenge. She wouldn't do anything with him; just flaunt herself with him in front of Finn, only enough to make him jealous.<p>

A few hours later she and Puck were rolling around on her bed, his lips on hers, and his hands all over her body. She hadn't meant for it to go this far, but just kissing him made her finally realise how crappy her relationship actually was. She wasn't happy, she hadn't been for a long time but she was just so comfortable with Finn and she was afraid to rock the boat.

Puck suddenly pulled back, sitting up slightly "I did this to Finn once, I can't do it again".

"Why? He'd do it to you. Besides we've already come this far, he's going to be mad no matter what" Rachel reasoned, smiling seductively. This seemed to be enough for Puck and he responded by reattaching his lips to hers and sliding his hands under her shirt. A small moan escaped her mouth as his hands caressed her breasts, she responded by grinding her hips against his, causing him to groan loudly into her mouth. He pulled back again, this time his eyes were clouded with lust, "you sure you wanna do this?" She nodded pulling his lips back down to hers. As first her shirt, then his dropped to the ground and she wrapped her legs around his hips, she was surprised that she didn't even feel nervous. _No going back now_ she thought to herself right before his hand found its way into her panties.

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><p>Sectionals the next day went by in a blur. They actually won! With Quinn, Sam and Santana singing lead no less! Well technically it was a tie but they were going to Regional's and that was the main thing. Of course Rachel is sure it wouldn't have been a tie had she been the one singing lead but she wasn't going to dwell on that too much. They were going to Regional's and she had to focus on that now.<p>

Walking down the halls at school with Finn, listening to him talk about them being something special she realises she has to tell him about the night before. She pulls him aside and pauses, looking him dead in the eye, "Finn, I… I can't be with you anymore".

To say he looks shocked is an understatement "what?" he chokes out. He can't believe this! They weren't even dating when he slept with Santana. He just assumed she'd be mad for a while then get over it and they would go back to the way things were. "Because of Santana? Rach you were dating someone else when that happened! You're really breaking up with me for this?"

"I'm sorry Finn its over." She was hoping she could just leave it at that, not hurt him any further but Finn had other ideas.

"No Rach this is not over! I love you. We're gonna work past this, we are" he tried desperately.

"No. We can't-"

"Yes we can Rachel!" he almost yelled, cutting her off.

"_No we can't Finn_." He was about to try and speak again when she decided to end this conversation right here "I slept with Puck."

He just stared at her for a moment, thinking he'd heard her wrong. The way she was looking at him made him realise what it was she was saying. He exhaled loudly, feeling the wind knocked out of him. He couldn't find his words, and before he could pull himself together Rachel spoke again.

"I was so mad at you when I found out about you and Santana, I felt humiliated and… crushed… and I… I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me." When she had decided on getting back at him she hadn't realised how awful it would feel, seeing him in this much pain.

His eyes, which had been previously staring in to space suddenly snapped up to glare at her "yeah well mission accomplished" he spat out, disgust lacing his voice.

"I'm sorry Finn" she breathed "I never meant for it to come to this but we've both been kidding ourselves this whole time! We haven't been happy, deep down you know that Finn."

He scoffed at this "so what, you're saying you were doing me a favour? Wow thanks Rachel really. I really appreciate it" turning to walk away from her but she stopped him, grabbing his arm.

"I'm saying that I saw an easy way out and I took it. I'm sorry… but we'll both be better off" she paused and spoke again in a soft tone "I hope we can still be friends."

He stared at her incredulously "friends? Rachel you may have wanted out of this relationship but I _loved_ you, and you _cheated_ on me! With my best friend! With everything I went through with Quinn you knew how sensitive I'd be about this and you did it anyway. Do you realise how messed up that is?"

Rachel was fighting back the tears now, begging not to be weak in front of him, not to let him know how much she actually realised she had messed up. "You know, after all we've been through I really thought we'd always have our friendship no matter what. What about what you told me last year when I lost my voice? You said that Jesse wouldn't stick around when things got hard, but you would _always_ be there for me!"

"Yeah, well I never thought you'd make me feel this bad" Finn muttered, finally turning away and leaving her alone in hallway.

Rachel practically ran back to her car, only allowing the tears to fall once she was safely inside, away from prying eyes.

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><p><strong>Slightly longer chapter! I really wasn't expecting to get this up so soon! It literally only took me about 2 hours to write this. I guess I was feeling inspired :)<strong>

**Just wana say thank you for the reviewing it really motivates me to write more**

**There will be more Jesse to come dont worry! Review if you want the next chapter guys!**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

How she managed to drive herself home when she was sobbing hysterically, Rachel had no idea. And frankly she didn't care, she just wanted to hide under the covers for about a year, not coming out until Finn had moved away for college or something. There is no way she can face him after this, the look of anguish on his face burned into her retina. Parking her gold Mini Cooper in the driveway and grabbing her bag from the passenger seat, Rachel rushed out of her car, slamming the door aggressively and dropping the contents of her bag on the ground in the process. "Ughhhh!" she yelled bending down to irritably throw her belongings back into her book bag.

"Whoa there angry girl, you might wanna take a breath, you look like your head's about to explode" a smug voice called from her left. She looked up to see Jesse and his superior smirk standing beside his own car watching her.

"Great, just what I need" she muttered, becoming more enraged by the second "so what, now you just lurk around in your driveway waiting to annoy the hell out of me?" _Can this day get any worse_?

"Yes Rachel, it's what I live for" was his overly sarcastic response "what's got you so bent out of shape?" He noticed her tear stained face and when she didn't respond he tried again "are you ok?"

"Oh yeah Jesse I'm great! I'm excellent, I'm having the time of my life!" she yelled, getting louder with every word. This time she didn't give him a chance to speak again, picking up her bag and storming to her door.

"Nice talking to you!" he called, laughing as he made his way back inside.

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><p>Sitting in his bedroom looking through his ITunes library, Jesse wondered what it was that had Rachel in such a state. Knowing her it was probably something to do with Schuester rejecting one of her incredibly ambitious song suggestions. Resisting the urge to get involved in her trivial high school drama he decided to forget about it, it's not like she'll want to confide in him anyway.<br>About 20 minutes later he moved to open his window and let some air in, when he noticed her. She was sitting alone on the bench at the bottom of her garden staring into space; he couldn't see her face but he just knew she was dealing with something more than a petty argument with Shuester, something agonising. He couldn't explain it, _he just knew_. He sat and watched her for about 5 minutes, contemplating, before he decided to go and talk to her. What was the worst that could happen? She could yell at him again– been there done that, and as much as he hated her being angry at him he couldn't help but be curious as to what's upsetting her this much.

Rachel was sitting on a bench in her garden, trying to clear her thoughts and gain some perspective on this whole situation she had created of her own selfish accord. Being in her room was just too claustrophobic, the thoughts that consumed her seeming so much more unbearable – as if the walls surrounding her were preventing said thoughts from leaving her, pushing them back into her head. It was what she deserved of course; she had done something so cruel and unforgivable, now she had to live with the consequences. She knew that, but it had become too much and she just needed to escape, evade the guilt that was suffocating her.

"Have you finally decided to calm down?" his voice startled her and she was about to deliver her go to retort (telling him to get lost) but something in his voice stopped her. Unlike the usual tone he used when speaking to her (lately at least) she couldn't detect a single trace of humour or mocking, he seemed serious. Maybe he was opting to reveal his compassionate side - a side which she wasn't even sure he possessed – or maybe her consuming depression was just clouding her judgement. Either way she was too spent to argue with him, maybe if she didn't make any effort to properly converse with him he would take the hint and leave her alone. "What are you doing here Jesse?" she sighed.

"Offering you a shoulder to cry on... Or a human punching bag," he shrugged "whatever you need".

She let out a small breathless laugh "I don't think I have the energy to do either." She'd just about cried all the tears she could manage, for today at least.

Jesse allowed himself a tiny smile; _at least she's not cussing me out and throwing me off her property_. Feeling grateful, and slightly more confident in the situation, he moved himself to sit down on the bench next to her. He chose to sit at the opposite end to Rachel, not wanting to push her while she was feeling fragile. It was a miracle she was even speaking to him at all.

A few minutes had passed when he braved breaking the silence, "You feel like talking about it?" he asked gently. She continued to stare straight ahead, that forlorn look in her eye.

Her voice was almost a whisper, but he heard every word, desperate to accelerate this conversation in any way "I doubt you would wanna hear about it." She definitely wasn't going to make this easy for him but then again, he _definitely_ didn't give up easily.

"Sure I do. How else will I know who's ass to beat?" he smirked. His voice betrayed something she recognised, something of the old Jesse, but she didn't want to believe he ever truly existed. It was easier to be over him believing he was never that guy.

She finally turned to look him in the eyes, disbelief obvious in her expression.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she questioned, both warily and accusingly.

The gentle expression he was wearing dissolved with her words and his smirk was back in place "well I can be a jerk if you prefer but somehow I don't think that will help the situation. I know you well enough not to mess with you when you're upset. You get incredibly vicious and well, I'd kinda like to _keep_ my balls. I may want kids someday." He was smiling good-naturedly and he was both pleased and relieved by her answering laugh. It was small and it was quiet but it was a start. "Come on, I'm all ears… and I promise to only judge a tiny bit."

She smiled again at his light-hearted statement. _How does he always manage to get me to smile, even when I hate him? And he's barely even trying yet I'm so willing to continue this conversation with him. _Rachel took comfort in that fact that talking to him about her problems might be easier than opening up to anyone else. After all he had done some pretty questionable things himself so he was in no position to judge. "It's about Finn…" she started hesitantly. She was kind of expecting (and hoping) that he wouldn't want to participate in a tearful conversation about a guy who, as far as he was aware of, was her current boyfriend. What she was not expecting was the reaction her previous statement provoked.

"What did he do?" he demanded (actually, more like growled), fists clenching and face turning slightly redder. The fact that he assumed it was something Finn had done made Rachel feel even guiltier. She was going to have to tell him and he was going to be disgusted in her. She didn't quite manage to convince herself that she didn't care.

"No… it wasn't something Finn did. It was something… it was something _I_ did" she whispered the last part. She looked at him and he was just staring at her questioningly, waiting for her to continue. She took a deep breath and just blurted it out "Finn and I broke up". She wanted to leave it at that but she knew that if she didn't tell him the whole story now he was going to have to drag it out of her and it would all feel so much worse. _Quick and painless _chanted the voice in her head, and the words left her mouth in a frantic rush. "I mean I always knew we wouldn't last and I could feel something bad was going to happen you know? I could just _feel_ it. Even once we'd finally started having sex nothing changed. So when I found out about him sleeping with Santana, as much as it hurt and angered me it was strangely kind of a relief. I didn't have to pretend anymore, that I was in this perfect relationship and I could just be free again, be myself again. Of course I should have known it wasn't going to be easy, Finn was determined to work through it, to save our relationship. He even tried to sway me by saying it would be bad for the club if we broke up. I knew then that I had to do something drastic; I had to hurt him more than he hurt me so that I could end it once and for all. So I slept with Noah. But I didn't mean for him to be hurt this bad! I didn't realise how badly he would react to it or how…how sensitive he'd be…" she broke off there, full on crying now while Jesse just sat there gaping at her, thinking who the hell is this girl sitting in front of me.

It was liked she'd launched a bomb at him that just kept on exploding. Finn and I broke up. BANG! He slept with Santana. BANG! I screwed Puckerman out of revenge. BANG! He was literally at a loss for words, and that never happened, he was Jesse St. James for crying out loud.

"Wow" was all he could say, except it was barely even audible. Of course she heard it though. She turned to look at him, her eyes full of questions. She wanted to know what he thought about all of this. She wanted to know if he judged her.

"Say something Jesse" she pleaded.

He knew it was wrong in such a fragile situation but he just couldn't resist teasing her. It was like a reflex, he isn't even sure if he has physical control over it. Since he really has no idea how to respond, resorting to humour was the only thing his brain could come up with. "Well you've certainly been a busy girl. I don't remember you being this promiscuous when I was around. In fact I seem to recall you freaking out that time my hand accidentally grazed your boob" he chuckled.

She stared open mouthed at him, silent for several minutes. He was beginning to worry he had crossed a line when she spoke again, to his delight, in typical Rachel Berry fashion "that was thoroughly offensive Jesse! And as for the 'accidental' (she used her hands forming quotation marks, while mocking his voice) boob graze, that was our first date! Of course I can't speak for you but first dates for me usually don't consist of going to second base!" She paused for a moment waiting for her powerful and righteous statement to sink in. What she was not expecting was for him to burst out laughing. She was briefly insulted when she finally realised the total absurdity of their current conversation and joined in with the laughter. It really was ridiculous that they were arguing about the morality of an 'accidental boob graze' as she had put it.

Once their laughter had quietened down they smiled at each other, finally feeling the tension surrounding them dissipate. They were silent for a minute but it wasn't awkward, revelling in the newly relaxed environment and feeling comfortable at last.

Jesse once again was the first to break the silence "so you and Finn broke up…" the smile on her face instantly vanished, replaced by a look of unmistakeable guilt. "He broke up with you when he found out about Puckerman?" he assumed that would be the case, I mean what guy wouldn't break up with a girl after finding out she's cheated on him with his best friend.

"Um… no. I actually broke up with him" she murmured, unwilling to delve back into painful territory. She turned to take in his expression and noticed it was both confused and incredulous. She realised she was going to have to explain. "I broke up with him before I told him. I was hoping I wouldn't have to, I mean why hurt him any further you know?" Jesse nodded, simultaneously urging her to go on "he wasn't letting go that easily though and in the end I just blurted it out. When I first thought I wanted to hurt him for lying to me all that time I had no idea how much it would actually hurt _me_ seeing him in that much pain. The fact that I caused it is… I'll just never forgive myself. It was cruel and heartless and completely unjustified. I mean yes he lied to me for months but he never cheated on me, since technically I guess I was dating you at the time. At least as far as he knew I was." Jesse internally cringed at the word technically, hating that she doubted his feelings for her.

"So you broke up with him because you cheated on him and you knew there was no coming back from that?"

She sighed, "Yes and no. Yes technically I did break up with him because I had cheated and I didn't have the heart to carry on seeing him after that, knowing what I did. But I slept with Puck knowing that it would be the end to my relationship with Finn. That's _why_ I did it. We were already so broken, the whole thing was just… forced and we'd been living in this… this _dream world _for so long that we were oblivious to the cracks in our foundation. When I finally woke up and I realised what a mess it all was I knew that I had to do something to save us. Not our relationship but _us_, as individuals. I mean yes he will be angry and upset for a while and probably hate me for a long, long time… but he'll get over it. I couldn't stand by and watch us destroy each other, and ourselves in this destructive, masochistic relationship. It wasn't healthy and we would end up resenting each other. That's why I slept with Noah. I knew I was cutting off all hope of us ever recovering from this as a couple, but maybe somewhere down the line we could be friends. Well at least that's what I thought going into it but he was just so… devastated. I never imagined I was capable of hurting him this much." She realised she probably hadn't explained it properly and he wouldn't understand where she was coming from but it felt good to get it all off her chest none the less.

He was completely baffled at what he was hearing. She was basically describing his whole thought process that led up to the egging last year. He knew this was the moment, he had to tell her. Everything. "I get it" he breathed. The shocked expression taking over her face made it obvious he was going to have to explain his annoyingly vague statement. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to admit.

"Last year, what I did to you? I want you to know I _am_ sorry Rachel, so much so. I know what I said to you that day in your bedroom but I wasn't being truthful. I was completely caught off guard by you being here and you know how uncomfortable that makes me. It's just a reflex for me to act as if nothing fazes me and the words had left my mouth before I could realise it." He paused, trying to find the words to explain without sounding like he had rehearsed this conversation in his head countless times. Which he had. "You need to understand that even though Shelby did force my hand when it came to reaching out to you, I would have done it anyway. When she took me with her to Sectional's that year and I heard you sing, before she'd even told me you were her daughter I was completely and unashamedly hooked on you. I had no problem agreeing to befriend you when she asked me to because it gave me an excuse to meet you. Me liking you, caring about you, being your boyfriend, that wasn't part of the plan. That was all me and as badly as it all ended I don't regret one day with you. I really need you to understand that, to understand that it wasn't all a lie, that my feelings for you weren't a lie." He was about to continue and explain his justification for helping Shelby when Rachel spoke.

"Ok."

He was perplexed. Had he heard her correctly? She had accepted his apology as easily as that? _No way, Rachel Berry did not let anyone off the hook that easily._

She laughed slightly at his obvious confusion "Jesse I forgave you a long time ago. As much as I wanted to hate you, I couldn't commit to that for very long. I understand why you did it and as much as I'd like to think I wasn't capable of acting the same way given I were ever in that situation, recent events have led me to believe otherwise. Besides I wasn't completely blameless in all of it either. Really I'm over it, and now that you've apologised and I believe you feel badly about it we can just put it behind us. We are neighbours after all" she remarked, smiling openly.

"Really? You forgive me?" he couldn't seem to grasp that after the way he had treated her, she was treating him, and this whole situation with such acceptance.

"Yes Jesse, really" she laughed as he raised an eyebrow.

"So what are we friends now?" he asked hopefully, she contemplated for a moment before answering "I guess".

"Any benefits?" he smirked. It was obvious he was joking but something in his eyes made her question that. She laughed anyway, shaking her head "don't push your luck".

"So friend… are you ever gonna explain to me what you're doing back in Ohio? Why would you ever want to come back here Jesse?" once she gets out of here she's certain she's never coming back.

"I dropped out of college" he shrugged. It was her turn to be perplexed. He'd been waiting his whole life to escape Ohio, it didn't make any sense.

"What? Why the hell would you do that?" she practically screamed. He just shrugged again causing her to look at him with her don't-pull-that-shit-with-me face and demand sternly "Jesse St. James you will explain yourself this instant!"

"Ok fine! I hated California! The people there were all fake and pretentious and my classes were totally lame. Practically zero of the people in my classes were serious about their acting. They were all just huge fame whores who just wanted to nab a spot on some stupid teen drama and get a load of endorsement deals." He fumed, clearly outraged thinking about the people who had disgraced the acting profession.

"So you just quit? What about your future Jesse! Couldn't you just-"she tried to convince him of his mistake but he cut her off before she could finish.

"No. L.A. is not the place for me. I'm still going after my dreams Rachel but I don't wanna do it from there. I realised this only a month into the semester and discovered something I guess I always knew… I want- no I _need_ to be in New York. Broadway is my calling Rachel, not some lame blockbuster movie about transforming cars, _Broadway_. I was born for the stage but I went to L.A. because they gave me a full scholarship. I tried to transfer to NYU but all the places had been taken and they told me I had to wait and apply for the next year. So I did. I applied and then when I found out a few weeks ago that I had been accepted I dropped out of UCLA. Of course when I told my parents this they flew off the handle and told me that if I dropped out of college then I didn't have a home to come home to. So I came here and moved in with my aunt and uncle."

"But if your parents are basically disowning you then how are you going to pay for NYU? Did they give you a scholarship?"

"No. They may not want to claim me as their son anymore but they still have a link to me financially. I have my trust fund, and since I'm 18 I'm legally entitled to that money, there's nothing they can do about it." He answered matter of factly, as if his parents hadn't refused to acknowledge the existence of their only son.

"I'm sorry this happened to you Jesse. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be on the outs with your parents" Rachel smiled sympathetically.

"That's because your parents adore you Rach. I practically raised myself and spent as much time as I could focusing on my music or spending time over at my uncles. It's not breaking news that my parents barely qualify to earn the title." The last part came out more bitterly than he wanted it to and immediately composed his features in to an expressionless mask. Rachel, ever observant (or maybe she just knew him too well) noticed the change and realised he was probably feeling vulnerable, sharing information about his dysfunctional family and abnormal upbringing.

"Are you ok with that?"

"No. But I'm used to it." From his tone Rachel noticed he was obviously trying to end all conversation about his parents with that final statement. Sensing his discomfort she readily complied.

"So…" she starts, attempting to change the subject "Mr. Schue took away my solo for Sectional's" he's surprised that she doesn't sound enraged by this, the Rachel he knew last year would have been furious.

"What? That's insane, who sang lead? Oh god did you guys lose?" this caused her to laugh, she was grateful that he assumed they would lose without showcasing her talent. She had assumed the same, but was glad all the same that she'd been proven wrong. Well almost… she was glad they were going to Regional's but part of her wished they had lost so Mr. Schuester would have learnt his lesson and never again make the mistake of silencing her talent.

"Quinn and Sam, the new guy, opened with 'Time of My Life' and then Santana sang 'Valerie' as a solo. And no we got though to Regional's even if it was a tie. The Warblers" she answered already knowing his next question.

"The Warblers are good, I've competed against them before, looks life you've got some competition. Seriously though Quinn? I can't comment on the new guy but Quinn's vocals only just about qualify her to harmonise and sway in the back. And don't even get me started on Santana and that growling she calls singing." He seemed so genuinely outraged about Mr. Schuester's inexcusable faux pas that she couldn't help but smile widely.

"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear someone finally vocalise what I'm thinking every time I'm forced to listen to them sing" she beamed. A slight breeze moved past them and Rachel started to shiver. The fact that it had started to get dark outside had gone completely unnoticed by them, so wrapped up in their conversation. "It's getting late; I should probably get back inside, I have a lot of homework" she sighed, reluctant to end the evening so soon, especially when they were getting along so well. No one was more surprised than she and she was shocked at how much she had missed talking to him. All in all, she was glad they were leaving each other tonight on good terms. Maybe this whole friendship thing could actually work.

"Yeah" Jesse agreed getting up "I didn't realise we'd been out here this long." He was unwilling to leave her so soon, selfishly craving her company, but he knew that they had only just revived their friendship and he didn't want to mess it up by overwhelming her. They walked back up the garden and said goodnight as Rachel reached the doors leading to her bedroom.

"Hey, Jesse" she called after him, he turned around, eyebrows raised "thank you for listening to me. I'm glad we can be friends" she smiled shyly, as if he was the one fulfilling an act of kindness when really it was the other way around.

"Me too Rach, anytime."

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><p><strong>Hope this chapter made things a little less confusing! It's slightly longer but there was a lot that needed to be explained, hopefully you're all still awake :)<strong>

**So please review and let me know if you liked it! Or if you didn't... whatever, I appreciate all reviews :)**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Jesse spent most of the night going over and over the conversation he and Rachel had earlier in his head. He was finding it hard to believe that it had all turned out so well, she had forgiven him and he was back in her life. At least he hoped he was. I mean that's what she had meant when she agreed to being friends right? She had even said 'I'm glad we can be friends', she wouldn't say that just to be nice, would she? No, Rachel is many things but she isn't a liar, if she said she wanted to be friends then she really did want to be friends.  
>But what if she meant the kind of 'friends' that say hello to each other in the street and exchange polite chit chat in the supermarket but didn't really have a role in one another's lives. He didn't want that. No, he was finally back on good terms with Rachel and he wanted to be a part of her life, to know what's going on with her, to help her with her problems, to sit around watching old musicals with her and to help her practise for glee club and tell her how amazing she is. He had to find out the status of their relationship, this whole not knowing thing was torture.<p>

"Pull yourself together you pussy" he muttered to himself before finally switching his brain off (or at least attempting to) and getting some sleep.

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><p>By the next morning he was convinced that Rachel never wanted to see him again. He realised he was being quite the drama queen and decided to wait for the next time she spoke to him to determine if she wanted to just be friends or to actually <em>be<em> friends. When he looked out of his window and saw her outside having trouble with her car, he decided it was the perfect opportunity to go and talk to her and try and decipher her thoughts on all of this.

As if this day wasn't going to be bad enough already, now she was also going to be late.

"I get that what I did has probably warranted me nothing short of eternal damnation but couldn't I please just catch a break?" she grumbled to the heavens, or rather the roof of her car. Her car which for some infuriating reason just did not want to start today. "I mean don't I already suffer enough? With the slushy facials and the crude comments and pornographic sketches in the bathroom stalls. Oh and what about the egging and lack of a mother? I mean how is _that_ fair?" Hoping that God or Allah or whoever is up there had somehow heard her appeal she tried the ignition again, slamming her hands angrily on the steering wheel when once again it didn't start. "Ughhhh! This is a sign that I should not go to school today!" she yelled, her frustration getting the better of her. Suddenly she sensed movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to look out of her window to see Jesse standing there with his eyebrows raised. She opened the car door more impatiently than she'd meant and he hurriedly took a step back to avoid getting hit by it.

"Jesse this is not a good time, please save your witty banter for some other occasion" she huffed. She didn't mean to sound like a bitch but this wasn't exactly the best start to her day and she really did not have the time to exchange pleasantries.

"Need some help?" he offered, his voice condescending _as if he's mechanic of the year or something_ she thought acrimoniously.

"No I do not need help. What I need is to get to school on time but my stupid car will not start. God I don't have time for this fucking bullshit!" she yelled, not caring if the neighbours heard. She had more important things to deal with right now.

Jesse was stunned by her sudden outburst but she didn't notice since she was too busy with her head imploding with rage and whatnot.

"Ok that's enough out of you; it's far too early for that kind of language. You and that foul mouth of yours are robbing me of my innocence" he teased.

She looked up, startled by his bizarre comment and laughed when she saw the joking look on his face "what innocence? I'm pretty sure you were born without a single shred of it."

"Ouch Berry, you know that sharp tongue is going to get you into trouble someday"

"I could say the same about your giant ego but we both know that ship has sailed" she smirked, momentarily forgetting her predicament. "As much enjoyment I get out of continuously insulting you, I really don't have time for this, I'm gonna be late for school! What the hell am I going to do? My dad's left for work already."

"Relax I can take you, you're not gonna be late" he told her calmly, trying desperately to hide the excitement at finding an excuse to spend more time with her.

"Really?"

"Sure, I don't have anywhere to be until one, it's no problem at all."

Rachel let out a sigh of relief "thanks Jesse, I owe you one" she smiled as they both made their way over to his range rover.

"I'll keep that in mind" he winked as he opened her door for her.

She mentally scolded herself for allowing herself to blush at his words. Thankfully she had managed to pull herself together by the time he had reached his door and climbed in.

What he did notice however, was that Rachel still looked incredibly tense. She was chewing on her bottom lip and twisting a strand of hair tightly around her fingers so frantically that he's worried she might pull a big chunk of her hair out. "You know you can relax now Rach, you're gonna get there on time" he assured her with a smile.

"Yeah I… I know. It's not that" she muttered distractedly.

"Oh I get it. I make you nervous right? Don't be ashamed it's happened to many a girl in my presence" he informed her smugly. He was joking of course but that didn't mean that his words weren't true, he had a tendency to make girls nervous. That immensely conceited statement was enough to shake her out of her thoughts and turn her attention to him.

Suddenly she started making choking sounds, clutching her chest and he looked at her alarmed "I can't breathe" she gasped, eyes wide.

"What?" he asked nervously, _shit what now? Do I pull over? _His thoughts were screaming at him, frenzied.

"I can't breathe" she gasped again "I'm suffocating under _your giant ego!_" she rolled her eyes. Her voice was back to normal now, aside from the fact that it was dripping with sarcasm.

He just stared at her open mouthed (which wasn't the safest thing to be doing while driving); waiting for his brain to catch up with what was going on right now, _what the fuck?_ "Oh hilarious Rachel, really. You know what's even more hilarious? You _walking_ to school."

"Oh come on, you know it was funny" she laughed. He didn't seem amused and she didn't know if it was fake anger or real anger, but it was just so funny she found she didn't care.

"Yeah well I might have been more inclined to laugh if I wasn't about to drive over that round-a-bout to get you to a hospital" he said bitterly. This just caused her to laugh even louder, tears streaming down her face. He took one look at her and that was all it took for him to join in, though not quite as enthusiastically, because it wasn't really _that_ funny. The only reason she was getting so much enjoyment out of this is because she had managed to fool him and he knew it.

"Ok fine, I apologise but you had it coming" she sighed as she finally managed to regain control over her body. She was just settling into her new found calm when Jesse spoke again, bringing all of her worries right back to the surface.

"So if it's not me making you nervous then what is?" he questioned thoughtfully.

The smile fell off her face faster than Santana changes sexual partners. "I have to face Finn and the rest of the glee club today…" she trailed off.

"Oh" was all he could say. He didn't really know how he could help her with this; it was obvious she was going to have a bad day. That club gets far too involved in each others personal lives and he'll bet that more than a few members will chew her up about it today.

She quickly slapped on her patented show face and turned to him "it'll be ok, I can handle it" she assured him, then immediately changed the subject which confirmed to him that she definitely _wasn't_ handling it. "So what are you going to do today?"

"Well at one o'clock I have to be my parents house to discuss my future" he disclosed, disgust lacing his tone "I'm gonna catch up with an old friend until then."

"Ah, looks like we're both going to have bad days then" Rachel grumbled while staring out of her window.

"Hey give me your phone." She looked at him questioningly but handed it over anyway.

He starting pushing buttons and handed it back to her "call me when you get out of glee club and I'll come pick you up. I should be back from Akron by then; I don't plan on spending very long there, I can only tolerate my parents in very small doses."

"Jesse you don't have to-"

"Rach I'm not going to leave you stranded. You don't have a car and I don't imagine anyone in glee club will offer you a ride today since you've probably pissed a lot of people off."

"Right. Thanks Jesse" she murmured, her face overtaken with sadness and worry.

"Look, about Finn… Yeah, he's still going to be mad and probably wont talk to you today but he'll get over it. He's hurt right now and I guess some of the kids in glee club will side with him because, well, you _did _cheat on him. But in time you two will get back to being the people you really are and everyone else will get it. They may even thank you for it… but it'll take time Rachel." his voice was gentle, not wanting to hurt her feelings but she knew, as disappointing as his words were, that he was right.

"I guess you're right. I mean I'm pretty sure everyone in that club knows we weren't right together but all they're going to see is the fact that I hurt Finn and how this could potentially hurt the club. They're not going to care about how _I _was hurting for almost our entire relationship." She sounded so hopeless that it was clear to Jesse just how underappreciated she really was in that club. Not just for her talent but for her amazing heart and incomparable compassion. She carries that club, and not only while they are performing.

"Rachel, your club needs you to be yourself not that… pod Rachel you are when you're with Finn. I mean Schuester is always telling you guys that being such unique individuals is what sets you aside from all those other glee clubs out there and far be it from me to agree with him but he's right for once. In time they'll be grateful Rach, they would be blind now to see how you change yourself for him, compromising who you are and if they're really your friends then they'll accept that it just wasn't a healthy relationship." She was considering his words and it was making sense up until the 'if they're really your friends' part. What if they weren't really her friends? She always had suspicions they only liked her for her talent so it was kind of hard to trust in the integrity of their friendship.

"If they're even really my friends" she muttered glumly. Deciding that she didn't have the power to change how they thought of her she decided to try and look on the bright side and definitely not let them see how guilty she felt. "Well I made the choice I did knowing the consequences. Based on past experience I really doubt they're going to show me much sympathy in this situation but I stand by my choice. It's for the best" she stated matter-of-factly replacing the smile on her face.

"I admire your positive attitude" Jesse laughed good naturedly "besides it's gotta be worth it no longer having to try and impress that giant oaf."

Rachel laughed this time, no longer feeling the need to defend Finn "Yeah, I guess I'm finally seeing him without the rose tinted glasses. It's always been that way with me and Finn ever since we met; me investing too much of myself, him not caring. He'll probably always see me as that over eager girl with a crazy crush on him from our first glee club rehearsal. I mean it makes sense, guys like girls that are hard to get. I revealed too much too soon, I was emotionally slutty."

"As opposed to generally slutty?" he smirked. Ok so sleeping with two guys doesn't exactly make you whore of the century but for Rachel Berry it was pretty damn slutty.

She laughed loudly "oh you're one to talk!" she quips as they pull up outside her school "thanks for the ride" she says, smiling as she climbs out of the car "later ya big man whore" she calls over her shoulder laughing as she closes his car door again. Jesse sits in his car for a few minutes, laughing as he recalls their easy banter. It always was so effortless talking and joking with Rachel, he hadn't realised how badly he had missed it. Snapping out of his thoughts he decides he better leave before someone spots him, he doesn't really feel like having his range rover egged today.

* * *

><p><strong>Ok I know its reaaally short! I'm sorry don't hate me. I've just been extremely busy lately and this chapter was supposed to be longer but I've been struggling with it a bit.<strong>

**So I decided to cut it in half so I could post this now because I felt bad for leaving you guys hanging for so long!**

**So despite my sucky updating... please review and let me know what you think! :)**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It wasn't a common occurrence for Rachel to spend the entire boring, mundane, school day dreading going to glee club, but today was no ordinary day. Today was different. As she stared at the clock in every single class, watching the time tick slowly by, she knew that every second that passed was one second closer to hell. She could put on a show face and blabber on about looking on the bight side of things all she wanted but it wasn't going to change the fact that today, walking into that choir room, she would be walking right into the lions den. There was no way anyone in that club was just going to mind their own business and let this slide and she couldn't calm the anxiety that coursed through her.

When it was finally time to make her appearance (she had deliberated making a run for it and avoiding them all together) she nervously stood outside the choir room door trying to find the nerve to reach for the door handle and go inside. After taking a few moments to arrange her features into a mask of indifference and take a few calming breaths, it was finally time to walk through that door and face the music. _Oh the irony_.

The first thing she noticed as she walked in (besides almost everyone turning to stare at her and a few fixing her with icy glares) was that Mr. Schuester had already started the lesson. _Thank goodness _she thought to herself as relief flooded through her momentarily, _now they will have to wait until the end to hurl abuse at me. _Grateful for this welcome turn of events Rachel silently moved to sit in a chair (not her usual chair next to Finn, she instead sat by Noah who thankfully wasn't one of those glaring at her) and settled to focus on the lesson.

* * *

><p>They were approaching the end of the lesson when she realised she hadn't yet seen Finn. She turned subtly, looking for him and noticed him sitting in the furthest corner from her, away from everyone else. He hadn't said a word the entire lesson and his face wasn't displaying hurt or anger or any of the emotions she expected. He was completely expressionless. She was too busy analysing him to hear Mr. Schuester end glee for the day and only noticed that it was over when Finn abruptly got up, then without a word to anyone, walked out the door. Mr. Schuester was barely out of the room 30 seconds before Quinn pounced.<p>

"Well you really couldn't resist screwing us all over could you man hands? What is this some kind of payback for not getting a solo at sectionals? We won without your singing so you go and hurt Finn meaning that we lose our male lead and never win another competition again? I always knew you were selfish but you just took it to a whole new level" she spat at her, rage seeping from her every pore.

"Finn won't quit glee club" Rachel murmured softly. She spoke quietly but with conviction.

"Oh who are you kidding, he didn't speak a word today! It's only a matter of time."

"Oh come on Q" Puck spoke up, surprising Rachel, was he actually sticking up for her? "I know she cheated on the dude but she doesn't control his life. Finn's gonna do what he's gonna do. If he doesn't care about us then to hell with him!"

"I agree" Mercedes appeared at Rachel's side "we all make mistakes and none of you can say you base every decision in your life off of how it could affect the glee club. I'm not saying what Rachel did was right but remember Quinn, that we all had your back when Finn found out about you cheating on him with Puck. None of us chewed you up about how it could destroy the glee club, even after Finn quit. We all stuck together and lucky for us he changed his mind, but even if he hadn't… we were there for you." Quinn couldn't find the words to argue with that. She was still mad at Rachel but she realised saying anything more would make her a hypocrite. If she was honest it wasn't even what Rachel did, it was just that she generally disliked her, any time she put a foot wrong was a golden opportunity to give her grief.

Rachel gave Mercedes a grateful smile and when Quinn didn't respond she thought maybe the worst was over. Of course she couldn't have been more wrong since Santana hadn't yet said her share, and she wasn't going to leave this room without cussing Rachel out.

"Oh who even cares that they broke up! We all know that if she hadn't messed up with Finn first he would have cheated on _her_. I bet you knew that didn't you? Hurt him before he hurts you right?" Santana laughed smugly "well congratulations troll, you beat him to the punch."

This made Rachel furious. The fact that Santana would insinuate that she would cheat on him to salvage her reputation and hurt him before he humiliated her was enraging. Finn was the one constantly hurting _her _because of his own reputation. He was so obsessed with being popular that he trampled all over her to achieve it, and now Santana was accusing her of this? No way.

"That might be how things work in your twisted world Santana, but some of us are not that callous" Rachel fumed. She was not letting her slander her like this; she had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.

"Says the tramp that cheated on her boyfriend with his best friend. Sorry Q" Santana laughed, earning a scowl from Quinn.

"Oh like you're so much better Santana! You've opened your legs for practically every guy in this school! Or at least offered." Rachel spat back at her. She was done being nice now, why the hell should she take this from a girl who goes through more condoms than breath mints.

"HA! Well if that isn't the skank calling the whore a slut. And Puckerman of all people! If I didn't hate you so much I'd be impressed by you attempting to live a little."

"GUYS!" Mercedes interrupted before Rachel could even think of a response, "this isn't helping anything; we are not going to solve this by you two being at each others throats. If you're so concerned with what's best for the team then you guys _need_ to stop your bickering and get along." Rachel and Santana both scoffed, only to be met by an answering glare from Mercedes "Or if you can't do that then just stay away from each other because frankly, we're all sick of it."

"Fine" was Santana's (albeit biting) response before she stormed out the door, Brittany following her.

Rachel stood waiting for anyone else to have their go, give her a mouthful but to her surprise they all, one by one, said their goodbyes and left. Puck, before making his own exit spoke quietly "you know Finn's my boy… and publicly I have to have his back. I just want you to know that I don't hate you Rachel, I get why you did it and I don't judge you" he smiled sincerely.

"Wait, you get it?" she asked puzzled.

"Well I kind of overheard you guys when you were arguing in the hall. I heard everything and I gotta say I agree with you. Not that I agree with your methods… I mean I'm not complaining either" he winked "but it _is_ for the best".

"You were eavesdropping?"

"Well when I heard you tell him about me and you doing the dirty I had to!" he laughed "needed to make sure I had all the info so I could talk my way out of it when he came at me with his fist again."

She frowned, her eyes apologetic "is he mad at you?"

"Yeah… but I'm working on it."

"I'm so sorry Noah, I know you tried to back out and I convinced you otherwise. If you want you can tell him that I lied and said we had broken up."

"Hey, I'm just as much to blame for what we did. You might have talked me into it but I didn't take a whole lotta convincing Berry. I'll find some other way to make it up to him… thanks though, that's really cool of you, offering to take the blame." They smiled at each other for a moment and Rachel thought that Puck really was a good guy, no matter how many people said differently.

"Well I better go. Don't let it get to you so much" he told her fervently "and hey, if Satan gives you any more hassle let me know, I got your back" he smiled, winking as he left her alone in the choir room.

She sat down on a nearby chair taking a deep breath. _Well at least its over_ she thought gratefully. She pulled out her phone and sent a text to Jesse letting him know she was done for the day.

_Be there in 10 :) _he replied instantly.

She was about to grab her bag off the floor next to her and leave to wait for Jesse outside when she noticed Mike Chang walking back into the choir room. _Wonderful_ she thought, completely exhausted, _he must be back to give me a piece of his mind now that his girlfriend isn't here to see him get vicious._

"Can you make this quick? I am extremely tired and my ride is waiting" her eyebrows raised, just daring him to challenge her.

"What?" he seemed confused "I just forgot my folder. What are you still doing here?"

_Oh. Well that makes sense, he never was very verbose_. "I…I'm just waiting for my ride. I'm leaving now" she muttered getting up and making her way towards the door.

"So everyone's pretty mad at you huh?" _here we go. Why is he even bothering to make conversation with me? He's never spoken more than two words to me in two years of glee club._

"With the exception of Mercedes I'd say yeah, that's accurate" she sighed "look I know that Finn's your 'buddy' and everything and you're sticking up for him or whatever but I already feel bad. Couldn't feel worse actually so you're wasting your time."

"Yeah Finn's my buddy… but I'm not gonna give you shit about it. That would make me kind of a hypocrite don't you think?"

Ok now she was confused. Had she missed something here? She couldn't seem to recall him cheating on Tina, even if she had been a bit self involved these last few months she would have noticed _that_ kind of drama.

"What are you talking about?"

"Is your memory that bad?" he laughed slightly "Tina did the same thing to Artie. I guess he was being a bad boyfriend and she didn't like the way he was treating her… she couldn't break up with him though because he just kept giving her promises of how he would change. So she cheated on him. With me. She knew he would never take her back after that. Now I'm not 'pro-cheating' or anything, but I guess me and Tina… we got each other out if it and well… if I gave you hassle for what you did while I was dating someone who has done exactly the same thing I'd be kind of an ass."

Rachel laughed, surprised that Mike Chang had actually said something funny. It was strange to even be talking to him at all, especially when it involved so many words coming out of his mouth rather than hers. She had always wondered how Tina could have done that to Artie and was grateful that she finally understood. She was also grateful that someone finally understood _her_. She never expected acceptance to come in the form of Mike Chang. _Life certainly is funny sometimes._

"Thank you for telling me that Mike. Its nice to know that someone actually does understand." Her phone buzzed and she opened up a text from Jesse letting her know he was outside. "Oh that's my ride. I better go."

"Sure. And you know you can talk me right? Tina too, everyone else will come around" he promised, smiling genuinely.

This made her smile too, knowing that it wasn't all bad, that she had people to turn to. "Thanks Mike."

They said goodbye in the hallway and went their separate ways.

* * *

><p>As she climbed into Jesse's car with a smile on her face she was met with his confused one, clearly wondering why she was so damn happy after a day that she complained was going to be the worst day of her life.<p>

"Take it your day wasn't as bad as you thought it would be?"

"Oh no it was awful" she replied, still smiling.

He laughed at her, his eyebrows knitting together. Clearly he was missing something here "Oh? You could have fooled me. Smile any wider and your face might crack"

"I am simply pleased that I made a new friend today, rather unexpectedly actually." She informed him joyfully.

"Oh? Anyone I know?"

"Yes as a matter of fact. Mike. Mike Chang."

His confused face was back "the dancing Asian? I've never even heard him speak."

"Jesse!" she scolded "that's offensive! And he is actually quite talkative when he has something to express."

"Well ok… considering he got you to smile, I'm not complaining. I'm just glad I didn't have to scrape you off the choir room floor" he laughed, causing her to wrinkle her nose in distaste.

"Well I did kind of get into it with Santana but I guess it could have been worse. Now that we've established that I'm alright after my 'day from hell' tell me how yours went?"

He groaned and she could tell he was going to make this difficult for her, "Jesse" she prompted, urging him to continue. He was silent for a minute or two, until she let out an impatient sigh causing him to jump right in and get it over with.

"It was exactly how I expected it to be. When I refused to go back to California my father tried to convince me that my best move would be working for him at his company-"

Rachel scoffed cutting him off "I bet that went well. I seem to remember you once saying something to the effect 'the stock market is for greedy assholes that feel the need to collect as much money as humanly possible to compensate for their otherwise empty lives'."

"Aw how sweet. You remembered" he threw back sardonically.

"Hey, direct your bitterness elsewhere St. James, I'm not the one trying to derail your Broadway dreams" she reminded him. In a different situation she might have given him more hassle for mocking her but she knew how sensitive he was about anything involving his parents. Besides, his anger was misplaced and she knew it wasn't personal.

He sighed at her words "sorry Rach. It's just... Ughhh! They piss me off! They've done a fine job of leaving me to deal with my own problems my entire life, why the sudden change?"

"Maybe they feel bad about that and they're trying to be there for you now." She suggested, although she knew it was a long shot.

He laughed, loud and cynically "No. I'll tell you why Rachel. They are too concerned about their stupid reputation and how it will look to all their friends and anyone else who gives a damn, that their only son is a college dropout."

"But you're transferring not dropping out" she felt it necessary to remind him.

"Once people start to talk it won't matter. St. James' go to college and _finish. _They don't drop out, they don't transfer and they don't run off to be in some 'twinkle town musical'. They get a _real_ job."

"Twinkle town?" she snickered

"My father's words. To him, anything involving me being on the stage means I'm gay. And god forbid he has a gay son. What would people think?"

"You know what you need?" she decided as they were driving down their street nearing their houses "peanut butter cups and Rent. That always makes you feel better when you're upset. Come on, we can watch it in my room" she grinned. She was surprised she was moving forward with this whole friends thing so quickly since it was only last night that their friendship had been repaired. It was just so easy to fall back into old patterns with him.

Jesse seemed astonished by her offer "you remember that?" he asked, disbelief obvious in his tone.

"Sure" she smiled at him and proceeded to climb out of the car and make her way towards her bedroom doors.

* * *

><p>"God Jesse, it's a remote control, not a symbol of your supreme power over the universe! Just let me pick something for once!"<p>

They had just spend the last couple of hours sitting on Rachel's bed watching Rent, eating junk, talking, singing and laughing along with the TV. After the movie ended they decided to watch some television, although they were doing more bickering than watching since Jesse had yet to relinquish the remote control. If she wasn't currently so irritated by him she might have allowed herself a little longer to revel in how comfortable this felt. Just like old times. After a few more minutes of playing tug of way with the remote Rachel decided he wasn't going to give in any time soon so she wandered off to the kitchen to get some more drinks. When she returned she noticed he had managed to find a football game (how, she had no idea since her bedroom TV didn't even get any of the sports channels) and was currently screaming profanities at the screen.

"Ok so yelling during a sporting event is understandable. Yelling _at the TV_ during a sporting event is just plain useless. Not to mention stupid! The players can't hear you. The coaches can't hear you. Are you grasping this?" she demanded, completely exasperated.

"What?" he questioned, not moving his eyes from the screen.

"Oh just give me the fucking remote Jesse!" she screamed at him, her words piercing the air.

He seemed taken aback by her sudden outburst, then proceeded to quickly evaluate the situation, trying to determine if now would be a good time to joke with her or if that might cause her to come at him with a pair of scissors. "Jeez Rach I didn't realise you were so possessive over your TV. I didn't mean to wake the beast" he smirked, causing her to realise how badly she had overreacted. Not to mention how exceedingly badly she had just embarrassed herself.

She blushed a little. Ok she blushed a lot. She decided ignoring this whole exchange would be the smartest move right now so she attempted a change of subject.

"So are you feeling better yet?" she was trying copiously to hide her embarrassment as she made her way back over to the bed.

It didn't work. Damn. "Well I was until you stormed in here with your fangs out, about to make a lunge for my jugular" Jesse laughed mockingly.

She sighed, feeling herself become aggravated again "so I lost my cool! Big deal. Can we move on?" he voice rising a few (ok several) decibels. Jesse physically recoiled from her, enjoying this joke a little too much.

"You're acting crazy. I think you need to calm down and stop being so aggressive."

"I AM NOT AGGRESSIVE!" she yelled, frustrated. He flinched again, holding his hands up in defence. He was just joking with her of course but he thought now may be the time to give it up. She was getting more wound up by the second and, well, she was actually a little scary right now.

"Relax Rach, I'm messing with you" he chuckled, but when she scowled at him he decided maybe an apology was in order. "I'm sorry, I just happen to enjoy watching you get mad. Its kind of a turn on" he laughed.

She struggled to keep her scowl in place as she felt her cheeks begin to heat up. She opted to turn away from him as she was no doubt red as a tomato right now. She walked over to a window and opened it, making it seem like that was the reason she had turned away from him, "whatever" she muttered before collecting herself enough to turn back towards him. When she saw the smirk on his face her stomach fell, realising that her attempt at nonchalance had been completely unbelievable and that he was aware of the fact that he had made her blush. _Great. Why do I have to be so uncool? _

She was about to respond to his mocking smile with some biting remark to put him in his place when he held up his hands again "Ok… this could go on all day. How about I stop messing with you and you keep your panties on?" he reasoned, but before he could stop himself added "unless you'd rather take them off."

Her answering face was one of utter shock, which quickly turned into outrage "sorry!" he laughed "couldn't resist. It ends here though I promise." His smile was finally genuine, although his eyes betrayed a trace of humour. She decided to let it go because it was obvious how easily he could get the best of her. "Fine" she huffed, sitting down beside him on the bed once more.

He smiled at her sweetly as he silently handed her the remote. This caused her to laugh softly and shake her head "thanks" she murmured before changing the channel to an American Idol re run. Soon they were hysterically laughing at all of the awful auditions and critiquing those on the better side. They fell back into conversation easily and soon what was on the TV was completely forgotten.

"I am not threatened by Santana. All I am saying is I get why Finn chose her of all people to have sex with." Neither of them remembered how they had gotten onto this subject but all Jesse knew was that it was completely ridiculous for Rachel to feel insecure around Santana.

"Rachel I _have_ met Santana. I highly doubt that it was Finn doing the choosing in the situation" he reasoned. She was sneaky and scheming and he's almost certain it was completely her idea.

"She might have offered but he still possessed the ability to refuse. Still, why would he? Of course he would want to sleep with Santana. She's taller than me, she's prettier than me and she by far supersedes me in the chest department…" Rachel wondered why she had even begun talking about this since she was feeling more depressed by the minute.

"Rachel stop, seriously. First of all, her boobs are fake. Anyone can pay a doctor to insert silicone into their body. And second, you really don't see yourself clearly at all do you? Ever since I met you I've seen you let people make you feel bad about yourself, or watched you battle some insane insecurity. You need to stop seeing yourself through their eyes, those spiteful, judgemental people who are trying to bring you down." He was speaking fervently, desperately trying to make her see sense.

She sighed sadly, "Seeing myself through my own eyes isn't much better. I always think of Barbra and how amazing she is, even though she wasn't considered conventionally pretty… but the truth is she's one in a million Jesse. There are _millions_ of talented girls out there, a lot of them will be much prettier than me and as much as it sucks, showbiz is a shallow world."

He wasn't hearing this. Since when is Rachel Berry so negative about her own future? He has never met another person as determined and self assured about their talent as he is about his. Where has that Rachel gone? That blundering idiot Hudson drained it out of her, that's where. Well then he would have to do all he could to make her believe in herself again.

"Well then maybe you should see yourself through my eyes. Because what I see is a girl so beautiful, so talented, so warm hearted and so _magnetic_, that no one could ever measure up" his voice low, he spoke slowly and softly, his eyes locking on hers with an intensity that left her breathless. "Satan and all those other girls couldn't even begin to try and change that. You're one in a million Rachel Berry."

As her brain registered his words she literally felt as if she might pass out from the sheer power of his proclamation. No one had ever said anything as sweet and compelling as this. Not even close. She literally felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. Her heart rate had shot up dramatically and she was trying her best to even out her breathing but it remained ragged as he kept his gaze on her, intense and passionate. It was incredibly difficult for her not to attack him with her lips right now but as much as she longed for him, she was desperate for their friendship to work. He was one of the few people that were really there for her and she would be a fool to wreck that. I mean look at it this way… she could re-enter a relationship with him and have some good times but maybe break up somewhere down the line and lose him all over again. Or they could remain friends and she could have him in her life forever. She convinced herself this was the reason but the fact that she was filled with a consuming fear that she would get her heart broken again completely overshadowed that notion.

Jesse however had other ideas, misleading the silence on her part for some intense, charged moment (which she admits it was, but she was choosing to ignore it) and before she had time to react, his lips were on hers in a passionate, almost bruising kiss. She responded for a moment, kissing him back and it was obvious how long this had been building up. It was as if all their longing for each other, all of the unresolved feelings and all of their resurfacing emotions were being finally released through this kiss. All thought process stopped instantly and the only thing their brains registered was how much they both wanted each other and how much they had missed the taste of each other, the feel of each others lips.

After what felt like a life time, Jesse pulled back slightly, both of them needing a moment to catch their breath before he leaned back in. As the air filled Rachel's lungs and the dizziness subsided her brain began working double time. She pulled back abruptly, just as his lips were about to meld with hers once again. Nothing could be heard but the sound of their ragged breathing. He looked at her questioningly although he already had an idea of what was going through her mind right now.

"Jesse…we- we can't. I can't. I mean it's been going so well between us and I… I'm just scared of ruining everything" it was barely above a whisper but her words were clear as day to him.

"Who says we would be ruining it? In my opinion we would only be making it better" he smirked, causing her heart to stop then pick up again twice as fast.

"Jesse I-"

He cut her off, already knowing where she was headed "can't. I get it. But I know you Rachel, I know you're trying to be mature about this and I also know that it won't last long. Your resolve will crumble soon enough and you will find your way back into my arms. It's only a matter of time" his smirk was so arrogant and self assured that all she wanted to do was pin him down on the bed and kiss it off his face. She couldn't let him know that though, she had to be strong for both of them. He didn't seem to grasp that she was doing this for them, this is what's best and he's going to try everything to undermine her self control. Typical Jesse.

Instead she just laughed, unaffectedly "in your dreams St. James."

* * *

><p><strong>Like it? :)<strong>

**I seriously wanna thank you guys for your reviews, they're all so sweet and you have no idea how much I appreciate them. And since the last chapter was so short and sucky I thought I would make it up to you guys and write a longer one :)**

**So please review and let me know what you think!**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Back to normality at last" Rachel muttered to herself with an air of relief as she flopped down on her bed. She was thankful to be back in her bedroom, between those same four walls where everything remained sane and finally escaping the bizarro-world that was school today. It didn't happen. There's no way it _actually_ happened, it makes absolutely no sense. In fact, it makes more sense that she accidentally -without her knowledge- travelled through a wormhole in the time-space continuum and entered the twilight zone. It makes more sense that her car was hit by lightening, transforming it into a time machine causing her to travel into the future today and spend the day in a more civilised time. It makes more sense that aliens poisoned Lima's water supply causing people's DNA to change and flip their personalities.

Well just one person really.

_One hour earlier_

_Rachel walked into glee club to find Santana draped over Sam (_what the-?) _and Quinn looking at them in a way that could only be described as total melancholic depression. Seriously, she looked like someone just killed a puppy right in front of her. And then used it as a puppet. Naturally the first thought to enter Rachel's mind was "what the fuck is going on?" Of course she didn't say it out loud._

_Luckily she didn't have to; after sitting down next to __Puck and Mercedes she was immediately filled in. Sam broke up with Quinn. "I guess he finally called Quinn on her bullshit lie about saving Finn's life" Puck went on. _

_Rachel snorted "as if he actually believed she caught mono from that stupid gumball thing. I mean God! If you go through life that gullible you're just giving people permission to use your balls as a keychain." Oh. No. Did she really say that out loud? She was literally bracing herself for the verbal attack at her being so improper. She was beyond surprised when it never came._

_Puck raised his eyebrows, obviously taken aback by her so very un-Rachel Berry statement and then his expression slowly formed into a smirk. It wasn't just a regular smirk; it betrayed a hint of something else. She decided it wasn't amusement, although he was clearly amused, and it wasn't mocking either. No, Rachel was pretty sure it was _pride.

"_I think those may be my favourite words that have ever come out of that well mannered mouth of yours" Puck remarked, earning a laugh from both Rachel and Mercedes. _

_The lesson went on as normal and soon they were looking over sheet music in groups for ideas for Schue's brilliant lesson for the week. Note the sarcasm. __Yet another girls versus boys competition, big shocker. Seriously, what is it with Schuester and whipping out 'battle of the sexes: the sing off' every time they're approaching a competition. This weeks terms and conditions: the song has to include a full blown choreographed dance routine. Rachel decided the only positive to this waste of time is that it might make Mr. Schuester realise how inadequate their dancing is (she's leaving herself out of this assessment of course, and maybe Brittany and Mike) compared to Vocal Adrenaline; this way he might finally listen to her and spend more time focusing on the choreography. _

_Mercedes wanted to do Ego by Beyonce, insisting that they didn't do enough RnB songs. Brittany and Santana immediately dismissed this however, adamant that they needed an upbeat song and wild dance routine to beat the boys. In the spirit of being a team player, Rachel took it upon herself to stick up for Mercedes; she felt it only necessary she repay her for when Mercedes had done the same for her just last week in the aftermath of Puckleberry 2.0. So she told them that Mercedes was right in saying they should do an RnB song. "We don't need an upbeat dance routine to beat the boys. We need to do the one thing they can't do. We need to do a sexy routine. Think about it, they can't stand on stage tossing their hair and grinding against each other, there's no way they can beat us!"_

_The rest of the girls smiled and nodded in agreement. The rest of the girls minus Quinn. "Wow stubbles. Should have known your go-to plan would be to turn the choir room into a strip club. Just because you're choosing to embrace you're new found sluttiness doesn't mean we all have to jump on the band wagon" she sneered, visibly disgusted by the idea._

"_Oh lighten up virgin Mary it's a good idea. We can all pray for our sins after we win the competition" Santana smirked, earning a laugh from Brittany and a glare from Quinn._

_Rachel wavered for a moment, taken aback by Santana's comment which was oddly in her favour. Since when did she stick up for me? Rachel wondered briefly before deciding she was probably just pleased with the prospect of performing a sexy dance number for the boys. This was Santana after all. "Quinn I said sexy not slutty. I wasn't trying to make you feel uncomfortable, it's just a dance not a sex tape" Rachel reasoned, since when was Quinn such a prude. She too had slept with Puck, a fact Rachel wished more people would remember._

_Quinn __however wasn't in a compliant mood "sorry Rachel but its kind of hard to distinguish between sexy and slutty with you. Who knows how this 'dance' will turn out under your leadership."_

_Before Rachel could respond Santana spoke again "Oh shut the fuck up Fabray, can you ever resist causing drama? We have a competition to win in case you forgot. Besides, like you're so much better"_

"_What is that supposed to mean?" Quinn demanded, although everyone could see where this is going._

_Santana snorted at this, Rachel was glad because she had been about two seconds away from laughing in Quinn's face. "You got effing pregnant by Puckerman and swore Finn was the father! Maybe you should take a look in the mirror before you start throwing insults around mommy thighs."_

_Ok what was going on? Santana was arguing with Quinn, her supposed friend, to defend…Rachel? Rachel could not fathom what had brought this on. Santana hated her! And the feeling was mutual, that was no secret. _

"_Oh that's hilarious Santana, this coming from a girl who's slept with practically every guy in this school. I should have expected to you to welcome man hands with open arms once she joined you're one woman slut patrol__!" Quinn yelled, attracting the attention of every person in the room._

_Santana jumped in yet again, rising to her feet before Rachel had the chance to stop this madness "how about you get the hell out of my face Fabray, unless you'd like you're next period to come out of your nose!"_

_This was the moment Mr. Schuester decided to calm everyone down and send them home for the day. So yeah… just a regular, boring and uneventful day at McKinley_.

She defended her. Santana actually defended her.

In what universe does that make sense? It was just so _odd. _She couldn't wait to tell Jesse this one. _Ughh_ Rachel mentally cursed herself. This was another problem. Ever since their little moment last week when he had basically told her he'll be waiting for her to jump his bones in the very near future, he had been hanging around. Like ALL the time. He was with her _every single day_.  
>Rachel admitted it was significantly difficult being around him lately, mainly because he was so blatantly and unashamedly flirtatious. A small part of her was revelling in the fact that he obviously still had feelings for her, something she found herself to be glad about considering for the longest time she had doubted if he ever even had any romantic feelings towards her at all. But the rest of her was just becoming more and more exhausted with hiding her feelings from him in hopes of trying to salvage some sort of friendship for them. Exhausted trying to hide the blush that creeps onto her cheeks every time he makes a suggestive comment towards her. Exhausted trying to hide the smile that threatens to show whenever he compliments her (and that happens an awful lot). Exhausted from pretending she doesn't feel that spark of electricity whenever their hands touch or his body makes contact with hers. Exhausted from stopping herself from kissing him every time his eyes stare into hers, completely derailing her train of thought. It was just <em>exhausting<em>. And the fact that he was doing all of this on purpose only irritated her further.

It wasn't like she wanted him out of her life or anything, and this was the dilemma. It was difficult being around him and constantly having to play the part of the girl unaffected by his charms, yet she couldn't dispute that she craved his company. Sure it had only been a short time since they had come back into each others lives but she had let herself fall back into old patterns with him and it surprised her to discover how much she had missed just hanging out with him. Yes, she will admit there are other things she has missed about him too, intimate things, but in the spirit of preserving their friendship Rachel decided to steer well clear of _those_ kind of thoughts.

That was something she had been finding increasingly challenging now that her virtue was no longer intact. She just couldn't help herself, repeating over and over in her head that it was natural. She was of a certain age where this was common, having thoughts of a sexual nature. Of course in addition to the fact that she recently became sexually active Rachel decided that these thoughts were a result of her gaining a certain level of experience and becoming more open to expressing her carnal needs. She couldn't say she minded being more in touch with her sexuality, even though she had always been very conservative before losing her virginity, it was amazingly liberating to give in to her body's desire and awaken a more sensual side of her she never knew existed. Even if no one at school seemed to think of her that way, it was nice to feel sexy from time to time…not for anyone else, just for herself.

This newly discovered side of her however, was not helping her avoid romantic thoughts about Jesse. If she had still been a virgin when he had come back into her life then she is sure it would be a completely different scenario and she would still be shy, prudish and well, virginal when it came to Jesse (or even boys in general). She would still start blushing furiously when an impure thought crossed her mind and be overcome by nerves every time she thought about behaving in an indecent manner. She may have been running her mouth off at that one celibacy club meeting about how girls wanted sex just as much as guys do, but the truth was she had just assumed that that's what boys wanted to hear. Only now did she realise just how true her words had been. But the fact of the matter was, she wasn't a virgin anymore. In fact she had slept with two different guys in the same week which, if it was anyone else is question, she would have reprimanded them for such promiscuous behaviour and having such loose morals. It was her however, whom was the person in question and although she never expected her guilt to fully go away she was beginning to come to terms with it, which is why she refused to go down this road again, refused to re-enter that self destructive thought process. She couldn't keep engaging in this borderline sadomasochistic behaviour. She couldn't keep punishing herself. It was agonising, excruciating and unbearable. It was heartbreaking.

That being said, she still couldn't bring herself to regret any of it - as much as she hated to admit it because really, she _should_ regret it. She caused someone she really cared about a lot of pain and she should regret it. But she knew that the pain was necessary for them to move on from each other and the bigger picture in all of this was why she didn't regret it in the least. She had done the right thing, in her own twisted way, and someday Finn would thank her for that. If she had still harboured any negative feelings towards Jesse at the time she could honestly say they completely dissolved as she realised this. Because in that moment she fully realised _why_. She had realised why he had done it, hurt her further after he had already broken up with her. She realised what it represented, the egg he had so lovingly crushed on her head. It was the same thing. The pain was _necessary_.

She knew he had been shocked when she had forgiven him so easily, but really how could she not? It no longer pained her to admit that they were more alike than she once thought. She could simply accept this fact now that everything was good between them again, but after the whole fake relationship scandal she became furious when several glee clubbers had mentioned that Jesse was the male version of her, even though before the break up she had had the same suspicions, even going as far as believing he was her soul mate. She was reluctant to revisiting that particular moment in time, believing he was the _one_. Considering she was still in high school, she was pretty sure she hadn't met the one yet, but out of all the guys she had known to this point in her life Jesse was certainly the only one she could pick to fill the title of soul mate. And maybe he _was_ her soul mate… I mean people are always saying that boys (or girls) will come and go but friends are for life.

So maybe it's really your friends that are your true soul mates.

Rachel was trying so desperately to keep him in that category, just a friend, so they could avoid all of that complicated relationship stuff that tears people apart. Then maybe they could have that kind of friendship where that one person is who you can trust and rely on most in the world, who's company you enjoy more than anyone else's, who you couldn't live your life without and who will never leave you no matter what. If that doesn't sound like a soul mate then she doesn't know what does.

She knows this; that they're better off as friends. She knows that it would be a lot simpler and most definitely minimise the risk of losing each other, something she most definitely doesn't want to happen. She knows what the sensible option is but she also knows that she just can't help that she has feelings for him, which scared her more than anything. Having feelings for him means she's putting her heart at risk. Again. But hey, the heart wants what the heart wants and just because its easier for her to keep her guard up and protect her heart doesn't mean the feelings will go away as easily. Ignoring them is just about her only option which is why it is _so_ not good that she is having these sexual thoughts about him right now. Its like her brain was being completely disobedient and working of its own accord, she had sex with Finn and then with Puck; that's two out of three.

She can't help but wonder what it would have been like if she had slept with Jesse when they were still together, or what it would be like if she slept with him now. Her virginity of course, being the major difference here because having sex with him back then would have meant losing her virginity to him, but she was no longer a virgin meaning she had surpassed that awkward painful part. This is where things got out of control because her thoughts all turned in a direction of wondering. Wondering how good it would be, how he would touch her, how he would feel... and all these thoughts just left her feeling very…_warm_, in contrast to how nervous and even nauseous she would feel whenever she had considered it pre Finn and Puck.

Considering she was trying very hard to maintain a platonic friendship with Jesse, it was seriously unhealthy for her mind to be wandering in this direction, thinking about him like this. Because every time she was around him all these images would pop into her head, the two of them in compromising positions, him touching her, her touching him and she just felt so consumed by this maelstrom of thoughts swirling around in her head that one of these days she was going to snap and just pounce on him, rip every shred of clothing from his body and completely devour him. It was building up, she could feel it and the sexual tension was becoming almost too much for her. It didn't help that this was obviously Jesse's goal, although Rachel is sure he has no idea of the extent of it. He probably just assumes she will be overcome with her feelings for him and have to kiss him and confess her love for him. Little does he know that it would be more along the lines of her turning into a full on sexual miscreant right before his very eyes. Although she was positive that this would be the biggest tragedy and ruin absolutely everything, she couldn't deny that it was also what she hoped for most.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay so I know I totally suck! I'm sorry don't hate me :( I promise I will try harder at updating!<strong>

**I always said I would never be one of those writers that leaves their readers hanging for ages just when they get into a story so I apologise profusely.**

**Hopefully I still have some readers out there!**

**Anyway... I apologise for the lack of Jesse in this chapter but after that moment between them at the end of the last chapter I felt like Rachel had some issues to work through. So that's basically all this chapter is but don't worry things will be picking up :)**

**So if you're not too mad at me then please review and let me know what you think!**

**Oh and while I'm here I just wanna thank 'Hellothere' for your review because it just really made me want to continue with this so thank you :)**

**Alright imma shut up now ;) xoxo zoellaa**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time. As much as he loved the fact that he was clearly getting under Rachel's skin (in the best possible way), Jesse had to admit that it was becoming more and more difficult to keep his cool around her. It was like when they kissed it reawakened something in him, or rather someone. The guy he had been before all of the mess and the drama that went down last year. The person he was before he truly knew what pain and heartache was. That one kiss took away all of his pain, like it never happened and he was right back where he was supposed to be. With this girl that could make him forgot every single bad thing to ever happen to him in his 18 years, the girl that could brighten his day completely just by simply being there. The girl that he loved. If he hadn't felt this way about her last time it was certain he did now. Months of being without her was enough to determine that. Funny thing is, this hadn't even come to light until he remembered how his life had been when she was still a part of it.

He couldn't be without her again. There's no way he could go through that again and living in constant denial was the only thing that had saved him from completely losing it these past few months. He couldn't blow this; it was his one shot to get her back. He had already been given a second chance (he's almost certain he doesn't deserve it) so there's no way she'll ever let him near her again if he screws this up.

No pressure there.

It was like the kiss short circuited his brain and now he couldn't think about anything else. She is driving him crazy, but he can't say he doesn't prefer it this way. It feels like something in his life just finally clicked in to place, that a missing piece has been restored. A piece that he wasn't even aware was missing in the first place. The only problem is that _he_ is supposed to have the upper hand here and instead he's acting like a nervous pre pubescent school boy. I mean its not as if Rachel has noticed, she's too busy trying to avoid turning a vibrant shade of red every time he flirts with her or makes a suggestive comment. At least he can take comfort in the fact that he can still elicit such a strong reaction out of her but its kind of a massive blow to his ego, the fact that she can reduce him to this blundering idiot version of his former self. Slap on a letterman jacket and call him Finn Hudson. He _doesn't_ get nervous. Especially not around girls; he's Jesse St. James for crying out loud. He has a reputation and it more or less depicts him as an overly confident heartbreaker, and call him an ass but in a sick way he's kind of proud of it. He's gotten more girls to drop their panties than Puckerman's gotten detention. It's not about the girls, although he's been with a fair share of hotties (so sue him, he has high standards) but more about that fact that it let everyone in this stupid town know that _he's the man_. As far as he's concerned, not one girl he's screwed in the past is on the same level as Rachel. Yes she's beautiful and he tells her all the time, but she's also the single sexiest girl he's ever met and she doesn't even try, in fact she's completely oblivious to the fact. The masses of girls he had slept with never held his interest for more than a few hours, but Rachel is in a whole other league. It may make him sound like a pussy but as far as soul mates go, she's it. He's never known someone who is so much like him, shares his dreams and interests and yet challenges him in every possible way.

As a self proclaimed perfectionist he can honestly say that Rachel Berry is indisputably and incontestably perfect. He is certain he will never meet another girl like this in his lifetime and all future girls will never measure up. She is going to be his again and this time he is never letting her go.

* * *

><p>Rachel was in her bedroom in her fluffy robe sitting at her dresser as she hopelessly tried to tweeze her eyebrows into a perfect arch. She let out a frustrated sigh and threw down the tweezers accepting defeat. She had been at this for 20 minutes and her eyebrows looked exactly the same as they had before. <em>Santana has perfect eyebrows<em> she thought bitterly.

It was Friday night and Rachel was getting ready to go out. It was her first party since the break up with Finn and she was dreading it. She hadn't wanted to go at all but Kurt had so eloquently pointed out during their phone conversation earlier "just because your high school musical romance with the jolly green giant is over doesn't mean you should let your social life go to shit". What a lovely sentiment. She doesn't understand why Kurt even goes to McKinley parties anymore since the boy responsible for his transfer is a regular at those parties. When Rachel had questioned Kurt about it all he offered was a very vague "we've come to an understanding". She doesn't have a clue what this means but she can only hope it will result in one of her only friends making a return to McKinley soon.

As she's applying her eye liner to her bottom lash line she hears her phone buzz over on her bedside table. She walks over to retrieve it and sees she has a text from Jesse.

_Hey, what are you doing?_

She figures he probably wants to hang out and lets out a sigh of relief that she is in fact busy tonight. Of course she wants to hang out with him but with him being so determined to win her back it's making it really difficult for her. She just needs a night away from him, hanging out with him every night and pretending she isn't into him is pretty much wearing her out.

_Getting dragged to a party by Kurt. Haven't filled my social quota for the month. _

His reply is instantaneous

_Your enthusiasm is inspiring. Try not to get lost in any coat closets with Puckerman ;)_

She blushed as she read the last part. He was always teasing her about Noah, if she had known about the taunting she would receive she never would have slept with him. Of course she knows he's only joking but she just doesn't like him knowing about it. Knowing who she's has sex with. It makes her uncomfortable and it's probably because Jesse was the first boy she ever considered having sex with. Talking to him about her sexual partners just seems wrong because there was a time when they both thought she would lose her virginity to him. She decided to tease him back a little, its only fair since he insists on making fun of her every chance he gets.

_A coat closet? Hmm only if I get really bored ;)_

Ending the conversation before she ends up sitting on her bed and texting all night long, Rachel walks back to her dresser to continue getting ready. Once her eyes are perfectly smoky and her hair is perfectly tousled in that sexy bed head way that Kurt showed her, she goes to pick out an outfit from her closet. In the past she had always dressed in sweet little dresses for parties, even though Kurt and Mercedes begged her to turn up the sex appeal a little bit. "This is a high school party Rach, not little house on the prairie" they had said. She always insisted that since she was in a relationship it was not appropriate to dress in a revealing outfit because the only boy that should be looking at her is her boyfriend.

Well she's not in a relationship anymore and everyone already thinks she's the school slut so dressing like the polite and proper little clean teen she did in the past would be completely pointless, not to mention ironic. Deciding she didn't want to go to this stupid party anyway so it didn't matter what she wore, she pulled on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans. She was about to slip on a white tank top when she spotted the black caged bralet top that she's never been brave enough to wear. It was slightly cropped and showed off a small amount of her stomach and it had criss cross holes in the sides that showed her skin. Not to mention it made her boobs look bigger than they actually were. She had bought it at the mall with Kurt and Mercedes when she was in Topshop looking for something to impress Finn after she first noticed their relationship was starting to fizzle. Both her friends had insisted it was 'fierce' and that he would come in his pants when he saw her in it (which was quite possible in Finn's case) but she had chickened out and buried it in her closet. She had completely forgotten about it but something made her try it on. It was extremely revealing considering what she's used to wearing but she had to admit she looked good. No she looked _sexy_. Deciding that the hotter she looked tonight, the less hassle she would get off the guys on the football team she slipped on a pair of black high heels and she was ready. Rachel is sure she will still get hassle off Santana and maybe Brittany tonight but the guys never bothered her when she wore short skirts or low cut tops. "Guys are so fickle" she muttered to herself. Her one saving grace is that the lovely Quinn will not be attending tonight.

Hearing a car honk outside she grabbed her key and cell phone, shoved them in her tiny pockets and left the house. As she was leaving she definitely felt relief and gratitude, once again for her bedroom having its own entrance. She would not like to see her dads faces if they saw her leave the house in this particular ensemble.

"Holy hell you look amazing!" Kurt beamed as she climbed in the back seat.

"Damn diva I knew you had it in you! Finally all those shopping trips have paid off" Mercedes nodded in approval.

"Thanks guys" Rachel smiled "I figured I might as well live up to my new reputation. Maybe then they can all get over it."

Kurt and Mercedes smiled back at her in sympathy "Don't worry" Mercedes piped up "we got your back".

* * *

><p>When they arrived at the party and began their walk towards Tye Stevens, the wide receivers house (Kurt had parked his SUV a block away from the party so that no one damages his baby) Rachel started nervously picking at her clothes. What was she doing here? This was a party thrown by a member of the football team. Sure, she had always been welcome when she was dating Finn but that was because they were more or less obligated to be nice to her. Guy code or something. But now she didn't have Finn for protection… she was never welcome at these parties before Finn so why would things be any different now.<p>

"Hey stop freaking out you neurotic little midget, its gonna be fine. In fact tonight is going to be fun and you are gonna have an amazing time or so help me God I will personally make you have fun myself" Kurt insisted playfully.

This caused Rachel to loosen up a bit "that sounded dirty" she giggled, thankful to Kurt for distracting her from the situation. He and Mercedes laughed along with her, her attention completely diverted that she didn't even realised they had passed through the front door of Tye Stevens' house. Her two friends gave her an encouraging smile and they made their through the house towards the kitchen in search of drinks. Taking a deep breath, Rachel ran her hands through her long tousled hair, messing it up and bit more and adjusted her top. Instantly she slipped into her persona for the night; confident and fearless, oozing sex appeal. She needed to command the room rather than be eaten alive by it, which is why she decided a fraction of a second later that she needed a little liquid courage. She wasn't really one to drink alcohol aside from a glass of wine at dinner but tonight would be the exception. She wasn't going to make a habit of it or anything but tonight she was most definitely out of her comfort zone. What could it hurt right?

Kurt offered her a beer but she passed right by him, heading straight for the vodka. She mixed her drink (damn that tasted strong) and took a long sip. It burned her throat a little but she didn't let it show.

Rachel continued sipping her drink, observing the party surrounding her from the spot where she was standing. She could see the majority of the people here in the living room dancing (more like grinding) to Cassie's Long Way to Go. Kurt and Mercedes were in a deep conversation with Tina, laughing hysterically every minute or so. Rachel smiled to herself, pleased her friends were having a good time. She really was lucky to have them considering she knew just how it felt to have no friends, to be alone. She didn't ever want to lose them, she couldn't go back to being completely alone. She turned her head and looked out through the patio doors that led outside and could see several people smoking out there as well as a couple or two making out on the deck chairs. She turned around looking at the drinks table and saw Finn standing there laughing with some guys from the football team. Rachel gasped inwardly, panicking slightly. Should she leave? Move to a different room before he sees her? Too late. Finn turned his head slightly and they made eye contact. She smiled slightly, knowing it was a weak attempt but it was the only thing she could think to do right now. Going over there and invading his personal space certainly wasn't an option. He just looked at her, his eyes devoid of emotion before turning back to his friends and continuing his conversation. She noticed he was drinking water so at least she didn't have to worry about him going mental and yelling at her in a drunken rage. Although he may well yell at her out of regular rage; she didn't know which would be worse. Rachel turned her head briskly, eager to get him out of her line of vision. She decided to focus on the dancers once more while she continued sipping her drink. As she watched the girls grinding, swinging their hips and tossing her hair an idea came to her mind. They still had the glee number to do and still hadn't decided on a song, let alone started on any choreography and this seemed to just pop out at her. As she was mapping out choreography in her head she suddenly felt someone behind her and two hands gripped her hips.

"Baby you are without a doubt the hottest thing I've seen all night. Please tell me you're about to make my night a lot better" murmured a low familiar voice in her ear.

Fixing her best smirk in place (one she's adapted from Jesse himself) she spun around, only to come face to face with a slightly tipsy Matt Rutherford.

"Matt?"

"Rachel?" he spluttered "sorry! I had no idea- I mean I didn't… I didn't know-"

"Its ok Matt" she cut him off giggling. She had barely even heard Matt speak before so imagine her surprise when she basically witnessed first hand his attempt at seducing a girl.

He breathed a sigh of relief, glad she wasn't about to slap him. This _was_ Rachel Berry after all.

"I didn't expect to see you here, you've been kind of absent at parties lately" he muttered, obviously still uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed. She decided to help him out a little and offered him a bright smile.

"Yeah I know, I've been really busy lately". Lie. "So are you having a good time?"

They chatted for a few minutes and Rachel discovered that Matt Rutherford was actually very pleasant company. If only he could come to school buzzed everyday, things would be a lot more fun. And you know, include actual words being spoken on his part. While he's busy telling her about Mike accidentally hitting himself in the face with a locker door today and laughing hysterically, Mike Chang himself wanders over and tells Matt something about Brittany having fallen asleep outside in the flowerbed. Matt chuckled at the news and looked back at Rachel who was also giggling, because really, the girl should have her own reality show. Mike turned to glance at Rachel before looking back to Matt about to continue his conversation but instead he did a very obvious double take.

"Rachel?"

"Hey Mike, having fun?" she wanted to laugh so bad at all the reactions she was getting tonight but she was trying so hard to stay cool and that would just ruin her whole persona for the night.

"Yeah totally, its good to see you here, its about time you started coming out again" he smiled genuinely. The three of them were emerged in conversation seconds later, all laughing hysterically while Mike filled them in on Brittany's antics tonight and of course having a few more drinks. Puck joins in the conversation for a few minutes, briefly giving Rachel a smile that basically translates to 'proud of you, midget' before leaving to go find a random cheerio he'd told to meet him in a coat closet. The irony wasn't lost on Rachel and she had a strange urge to text Jesse and tell him. When she remembered that this night was supposed to be about her taking a break from Jesse she resisted. It wasn't long before Kurt and Mercedes joined in the conversation and soon they were all having a great time, laughing and of course drinking more and more. At one point Santana passes by, observes the situation and shoots Rachel an approving look. Rachel was more or less waiting to be bitch slapped so there's no way that actually happened… must be the alcohol.

After an hour or so, Rachel is well and truly hammered. Of course everyone else is drunk too, but they definitely haven't yet reached her level of inebriation. Thinking some fresh air might help her sober up a little and stop the room from spinning, she heads out to the front of the house. She didn't really feel like going out back and inhaling other people's cigarette smoke.

The fresh air does help a bit, the ground is staying still and she starts to feel the cloudiness in her head subside a bit.

"Taking a break from the madness?" a voice says from her left.

She turns her head swiftly and sees Tye Stevens heading in her direction from the side of the house. Weird. He's never really spoken to her before.

"Yeah, something like that. You?" is this the part when he kicks her out of his house?

"Yeah… it's weird. This is _my_ party but I'm just so bored. It's always the same people, and everyone seems to be having a great time but I'm just… not." He seemed kind of down, Rachel sympathised with him because she knew what it was like, being on the outside looking in.

"I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I have to pretend I'm having fun just so I don't ruin anybody else's night" she smiled at him warmly.

"That's exactly how I feel" he smiled, then brought his hand up to gently caress her bare arm, stroking it up and down "so do you maybe wanna go somewhere more private, away from all of them? We could go to my room". Something in his tone had changed, any sign of discontent gone. He wasn't the troubled popular guy he had been a mere minute ago, his gaze now burning, hungry. She had seen that look before, and instead of being weakened by it she simply felt uncomfortable. She was about to deliver a very forceful brush off when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Rach there you are. Sorry I thought you wanted to meet out back. What did you wanna talk about?" Finn stopped in front of her, shooting a challenging look to Tye which more or less said back the hell off. Tye simply shrugged his shoulders and started to head back inside.

"Maybe see you later Rachel" he muttered before walking back into the house.

Before Rachel could even thank Finn for coming to her rescue he turned tense, very visibly annoyed.

"What the hell were you doing talking to him Rachel? Tye's my friend and all but he's a complete douche! Seriously, where is your head when you're at school, don't you listen to what people say about him? He hits on basically every girl he sees and makes a habit of telling stories in the locker room. Is that what you want Rach? To have everyone in school know exactly what you do with guys? I mean I know you slept with Puck but we both know you're not really that kind of girl, no matter how you dress or what everyone else says." He finishes, still fuming, not having let Rachel get a single word in.

"Finn stop! I wasn't doing anything, I came outside to get some air and he just started talking to me. I was about to tell him to get lost when you came along. Thanks by the way, you didn't have to do that".

"I know" he muttered, turning his head slightly, staring intently at the wall behind her head. She smiled at him, a smile full of gratitude and regret. She wanted him to know how sorry she was, even if he couldn't forgive her.

"What are you doing alone out here anyway?" he asked, finally looking at her again.

"I needed to get out of there, I kinda felt like I was going to vomit. I'm ok now, though I don't think I can go back in there. Kurt was our designated driver and he is most definitely not driving home so I guess I'm gonna go call a cab now" she started to turn away from him "thank you" she added quietly before she started walking back to the house.

"Rach, wait."

She stopped, looking back at him expectantly and slightly confused as to why he wanted to keep talking to her.

"I can drive you home… If you want" he hung his head, not looking her in the eye "I was going home anyway". She could tell this was uncomfortable for him and she couldn't decide if he was offering because it was his way of reaching out to her, ending their fight, or if he just felt obligated. Regardless, she knew she wanted to find out and its not like she had any other option.

"Ok" she nodded, allowing herself a tiny smile "if you don't mind".

He shook his head and started walking down the drive. She followed him, walking slightly unsteadily on her heels. The walk to his car was silent, neither even glancing at each other.

* * *

><p>They pulled up outside Rachel's house and instantly relief washed over her. She had never in her life wanted to get out of a situation this badly. To say the drive was awkward would be the world's greatest understatement. Not one word had been spoken since they had left the party and the silence was excruciating. She had almost spoken several times, the words on the tip of her tongue before deciding that nothing she could say would ever be enough. Not to mention that anything she did say would not get the kind of response she was hoping for. But now they were here, parked on the street right outside her house, and she had to say something. This was the first time her and Finn had exchanged words, or even glances in <em>weeks<em>. She couldn't leave him without saying _something_, without trying another time. However many times she apologises it will never be enough but he should at least _know. _

"Thank you for the ride" Shit. _Say something else you idiot_. She was trying to find the right words, something she hadn't said before but she realises that its not about the right words. Its about showing him she means them.

"I mean you didn't have to do this. After what I did to you… I don't deserve you being so nice to me."

"It's fine. Goodnight Rach" he wasn't looking at her. He was just staring out of the windshield, his jaw tense. He was uncomfortable, and she felt bad about that but he was going to hear this.

"Its not. Its not fine Finn… God I am so sorry" her voice cracked, he finally turned to look at her and she was begging for the tears that were building up not to overflow. "I have no excuse, I know that. What I did was really bad- no it was _terrible _and- and cruel. I just want you to understand why."He was silent, waiting. The look in his eyes was still hard, but it was also expectant. He wanted to understand too, and that spurred her on even though she was two seconds away from crying hysterically.

"We weren't happy Finn. And I know you said that you were happy, and I'm not trying to tell you how you were feeling because I know you loved me. I loved you too, I still do, but our relationship… it wasn't real. Just think about it. If you didn't see me all day, would you miss me? When we'd go days without having a meaningful conversation, did that bother you? Was our relationship more of a priority than football…or even your popularity, your reputation? Because that's the way it should be, and we both know it wasn't like that for us. And I'm not trying to put the blame on you here because I felt the same. I love you Finn but we just don't make sense as a couple. What I did… with Puck… we've broken up and gotten back together so many times, this is the only way I could see how to end it for good. I wont pretend I didn't know what I was doing, I knew it would hurt you, hurt you to the point where you would probably never fully forgive me for it".

She started to see understanding, realisation fill his eyes. Tears were streaming down her face now but she forced herself to continue. "I thought that even though I'd be destroying our relationship and any romantic feelings we had towards each other forever, somewhere down the line we might be able to work our way back to being friends. That by ending it, we would stop sacrificing ourselves and get back to being the people we were before. In my delusional state I thought I was doing the right thing. For both of us. Once I saw how hurt you were, how much pain I cause you I realised what an idiot I was. Idiot would be putting it nicely… I was a _bitch_ to you Finn. I thought I was saving us both the pain and instead I hurt you worse than I ever thought I could hurt someone. And I am _so_ sorry. I know you probably wont ever forgive me and honestly I don't expect you to, but I need you to understand how badly I feel for doing that to you. It wasn't just a reckless decision and not caring about your feelings because I did it with your feelings in mind. I screwed up… and I hate myself". She finished, staring in her lap feeling completely ashamed. After a few endless minutes of silence she finally looked up at him, her face stained with tears. His expression was softer now, it looked like his eyes were full of unshed tears but she knew he would never let them fall while she was there. Sensing his discomfort she decided to end the torture and turned to get out on the car.

"I get it" he spoke softly, his voice rough, gravelly. She turned back to him, eyes wide. _He gets it? _"I don't like the way you did it, and I cant forgive you for that. Not yet. But I get why you did it Rachel. I hope we can be friends again one day too… just… just don't expect it to be anytime soon ok?" she nodded, figuring it was a lot better than the response she was expecting and quickly got out the car muttering another quick 'thank you'.

* * *

><p>Once she had stumbled down the driveway in her high heels and finally made it to her bedroom she didn't waste any time in collapsing down on her bed. <em>God, what a night<em> she thought as she let out a long sigh. She was just deliberating falling straight asleep here without changing or removing her makeup when she heard a soft knock at the door. She raised her head and saw Jesse standing outside, looking at her with worried eyes. She raised her arm and tiredly waved for him to come in. She had her eyes closed as he entered until she felt the bed sag beside her. She opened them slowly and saw him looking down on her, his expression was careful.

"You ok?" he asked slowly, as if he was waiting for her to explode right in front of him.

"Sure" she lied "why wouldn't I be?"

"Because I saw you pull up with Finn… thought you might be upset" he still looked like he didn't buy it, she decided she'll have to fill him in or he'd never drop it.

"I was. But at least he listened to me this time so that's an improvement, not to mention more than I deserve considering…"

"So you guys didn't get in a fight?"

"No we just talked. Well I talked, he listened. He also saved me from the fake lonely football player who tried to lure me to his bedroom so that he could tell me a story" her eyes were fluttering closed now, tiredness catching up with her. She wouldn't fall asleep while he was here, he would only make fun of her for hours come tomorrow. She forced her eyes back open only to see him sniggering; one eyebrow raised in… confusion?

"What?" he chuckled. She knew that tone, it was mocking, condescending.

"Tell stories about me" she corrected hastily before he could make fun of her.

"Are you drunk?" he laughed disbelievingly. _Too late_, she sulked inwardly.

"No"

He raised an eyebrow, challenging her.

"Not anymore" she corrected herself for the second time, allowing a slight sheepish smile to tug at her lips.

He laughed again, louder, melodically "Rachel Berry drunk. I never thought I'd see the day. I take it you had a good time then? Did you tell Puckerman I said hi?" he winked as he lay down next too her, resting on his side and using his arm to support his head as he faced her.

"Actually Noah was otherwise engaged… in the coat closet with a random Cheerio. And yes actually, I had a fun night. Until now" she scowled at him.

"Oh come on, I'm only teasing" he smirked at her, making her breathing speed up slightly. That stupid smirk, it always had a way of disarming her. "So a coat closet huh?"

"It wasn't my suggestion if that's what you're thinking".

"Oh of course not. God forbid someone steals your make out spot of choice" he snickered, his eyes travelling over her body, finally taking in her appearance.

"I've never made out in a coat closet thank you very much"

He was still looking her up and down, his eyes lingering on her exposed stomach, then her cleavage which was rising and falling as she breathed deeply. He slowly reached out and touched her hand which was down by her side and ran his thumb over it softly.

"I would be happy to help you out with that sometime" he spoke softly, quietly as his hand slowly made its way up her arm and then back down, stroking gently. She turned her head and looked at him with pleading eyes, begging for him not to do this, not to go here again.

His hand slowly rose up her arm once again and this time swept over her shoulder softly, making its way up to her neck, wrapping around the back of it and then his thumb began lightly stroking. Her breathing was coming faster now, he had a darkened look in his eye identical to the one Tye had had at the party. Only this time she didn't feel creeped out. She felt warm. Very warm. She felt the heat rising over her chest and build up low in her belly. This wasn't good, she knew that, but she couldn't bring herself to care.

As she was concentrating on not letting her body overheat from his touch, his hand moved round to cup her cheek, his thumb lightly stroking her jaw. She involuntarily moved her face into his palm and let her eyes close. She shouldn't be letting this happen right now. She had worked to hard to rebuff all of his advances but now all that she could think about while he was touching her was how much she had missed this. Being close to him.

His hand was ever so slowly travelling back down her neck, only touching her with his fingertips. His touch was so arousing yet so completely agonising. As the very tips of his fingers traced her collar bone, barely touching her, her breathing sped up even more, her eyes half hooded now fluttering closed every time he grazed over the sensitive spot above her left collar bone. He was staring at her and she swore his once blue eyes were now almost black, reflecting pure lust. She was pretty sure she was wearing the same expression right now. As his fingers traced lower down her chest she finally saw where this was heading unless she put a stop to it, and as much as she wanted to, they had come too far for her to let him seduce the sense right out of her.

She opened her eyes sharply, awakening from her drunken/lustful haze just as his fingers reached the swell of her breast and practically jumped up off the bed. She stood over him, breathing heavily and trying to regain her composure. He didn't seam surprised, or discouraged for that matter.

"No. we- we can't" she stammered, still flustered "its- its not going to happen Jesse" she tried to sound forceful and failed miserably.

He didn't lose his smirk, having already expected this to happen. He wouldn't actually have done anything with her, let this go anywhere. Not while she's drunk. He simply wanted to see what kind of reaction he could get out of her. Fully reassured that he still has an effect on her get gets up, walking towards the door, smug smile still plastered on his face.

"Goodnight Rachel. I'll see you in your dreams". And dream about him she does.

* * *

><p>Monday morning she wakes up at 6am to her alarm sweaty and breathing heavily. Her sheets are damp with sweat, sticking to her body and she is in desperate need of changing her panties which are also soaked through. It had been like this all weekend, waking up so incredibly turned on she had to do an extra 30 minutes on the elliptical just to get it out of her system. If the dream she had just awoken from was any indication as to what having sex with Jesse would be like then she may have to rethink this whole friendship thing. Friday night she had been so close to giving in and now after a dream like <em>that<em> she's not sure she'll be able to control herself when she sees him next. _Bet that's what he was counting on the bastard_ she grimaced.

After her morning workout and her desperately needed shower, she changed for school and swiftly left the house before she could run into Jesse in the driveway. She would obviously see him later but she didn't need him getting her all hot and flustered before school. She couldn't think of anything worse than being distracted every minute of the day by his voice and his eyes, his smell, his raw sexual magnetism. Oh who was she kidding, she was going to be fantasising about the jerk all day long.

The day passed by in a haze of daydreams and echoes from Friday night. What would happen the next time they saw each other? What would have happened if she hadn't stopped him the other night? Before she knew it, it was time for glee club and she had wasted her whole day on these insane fantasies. She absolutely needed to focus, it was her favourite part of the day, and she at least had to do something productive with this last hour. As everyone filed in Mr. Schuester immediately told them to split into their respective groups and continue working on their dance assignment.

_Excellent_ Rachel thought, her mood lifted already. She already had everything planned and it was going to kick ass, even if she did say so herself. She just had to get everybody else on board. Quinn wasn't going to be easy but she figured if everyone else agreed the ice queen wouldn't have any choice.

"Ok so I guess we need a song? I'll go get my iPod, I must have something on there that'll work for us"

"No need Mercedes" Rachel beamed, in full on leader mode "I have an idea that will blow those boys right out of the water and an awesome song that goes with it. Now I realise it is not something I would usually choose and RnB music is not really my forte but I truly believe that we can pull this off and it will give us a chance to show off some amazing dance moves, the boys will never expect this from us and-"

"Get to the point munchkin" Santana cut her off.

"Right. Well. I have chosen Long Way to Go by Cassie. I heard it at the party on Friday night and I saw everyone dancing, moving to the music in this sexy way that I just immediately saw the whole routine come together in front of my eyes. Its not a terribly difficult song to sing in my opinion which means we could focus more on the dancing part of the performance. Well? What do you think?" Rachel had rambled on and on while everyone stared at her without saying a word. She was expecting everyone to dismiss her idea immediately but Mercedes surprised her.

"That's actually a good idea Rachel. I cant totally see us grinding up on stage to that song" she grinned. Santana and Brittany nodded, smiling at her before launching into an animated discussion about costume choices. Tina and Quinn looked unsure but majority rules.

"So I guess before we start on the choreography we should do the vocal arrangement? I mean we can't dance if we don't have a song" Mercedes laughed "so what… Rachel takes the verses and we all come together on the chorus? That work for everyone?"

Everyone nodded at this except Rachel "actually Mercedes I was thinking Santana should take the solo on this one". She was met by more stares and several open mouths.

"_You're_ giving up a solo? To _Santana_? _Seriously_?" Quinn demanded, clearly disbelieving. Santana just seemed incredibly confused. Since when does Rachel Berry give up a solo, much less for her?

"Yes Quinn. I think Santana's voice is much more suited to this particular song. We all want to win, I'm just making sure of it" Rachel stated, matter of factly. She didn't miss the small smile of gratitude Santana sent her way.

Once they had all of the vocal arrangements decided and also their costumes planned, the girls decided to meet in the auditorium after school tomorrow to start working on the choreography. Minutes later Mr. Schue dismissed the class and everyone headed home for the day. Rachel was the last to leave and after stopping by her locker she decided to make a quick detour to the auditorium. Maybe she was avoiding going home already. Maybe. When she approached the doors though and made her way inside she discovered it was already occupied. By Quinn.

As Rachel stood there for a few minutes waiting to see what Quinn was doing, what she would sing, she saw another figure come into view. Finn. She couldn't make out what they were saying, they were speaking quietly and they were too far away. But as she saw them step closer to each other Rachel's stomach dropped. Finn raised his hand to brush the hair out of Quinn's face before leaning down and kissing her.

Rachel didn't wait around for whatever happened next, turning briskly and fleeing from the room and from the school. She quickly made her way across the parking lot, rage consumed her making her face hot and her hands tremble. She flung herself into her car angrily and turned the ignition before speeding recklessly out of the parking lot and headed towards her house. Why is it always Quinn? What is it about her? It wasn't even about Finn anymore, yes she loved him but not romantically. It was just _Quinn_. The girl seemed to have a habit of ruining Rachel's life, taking anything and everything from her, just because she _could_. She always got everything she wanted. She wanted Finn, she had him. Then she wanted Puck and she got him too. Now she wanted Finn _again_, and look what we have here, she has him yet again. For once why couldn't Rachel be the one to get what she wants. She doesn't have a boyfriend, she doesn't have a mother and she doesn't have popularity. No she has an annoying pseudo friend slash ex boyfriend neighbour who seems hell bent on destroying their friendship, she has two gay dads that don't know how to sew or talk to her about boys and relationships and pretty much everyone in the school hates her minus Mercedes and maybe Noah. How is that fair?

Her mental rant equivalent to a volcano erupting in her brain had consumed all of her attention (thank God she still managed to drive while paying zero attention to the road in front of her) and she hadn't realised that she had in fact arrived at home. She didn't want to go back to school and see Quinn and Finn all couple again, the blonde Cheerio would no doubt see it as another thing to rub in her face. As Rachel glanced out of the car window she spied Jesse in his drive getting out of his own car. Before she had the time to change her mind Rachel flung her car door open and stormed across the concrete, furiously making her way towards Jesse. He looked at her questioningly when she approached him but she didn't say a word. She simply grabbed him by the arm and roughly pulled him towards her bedroom door. She dragged him inside and then proceeded to slam him back against the door as it closed.

"Jesse this is strictly physical. I do not have feelings for you in any way shape or form. I am not your wife, I am not your girlfriend… in fact I would prefer it if you didn't even speak at all" she told him in a rushed tone.

"I can live with that" he said nodding his head furiously.

"Great" and she pulled his face towards her, capturing his lips with her own.

This kiss was so unlike the last. Still as intense but this time is was heated and hungry and frenzied. It was all teeth and tongue and left them both gasping for breath. She pulled him roughly towards the bed, clothes being shed on the way in a blur of fabric before they collapsed onto the bed and he began devouring her. He was kissing and sucking her neck, nibbling at her pulse point and moving further down making her pant and squirm underneath him. While he was doing this his hands trailed all over her body, caressing her legs and groping her thighs, running along the curve of her ass and squeezing, causing her to grind her hips into him hard. He let out a low growl into her neck and he began nibbling her collarbone, lingering on the weak spot that he knew made her crazy. She moaned softly as his teeth grazed over it and she was gripping at his shoulders drawing him closer to her, her fingers pulling at the hair at the base on his neck. His hand was now trailing over her flat stomach making her shiver and let out a long sigh. As his had moved up to caress her breast she pulled his lips back to hers, kissing him passionately, exploring his mouth as if this was her first time kissing him. She moaned into his ear as his thumb grazed over her nipple, bringing it to a hardened peak. He smirked down at her before lowering his mouth to her breast and circling his tongue around the nipple, sucking it gently. She arched off the bed into him, moaning at how he was making her feel. Was she going crazy or did it feel completely different when Finn and Puck had done this? Honestly compared to Jesse they weren't nearly as skilled.

"Jesse" she breathed as he continued his ministrations on her chest, moving to pay some attention to the other nipple. As he was doing this she was grinding her hips into him, wrapping her left leg around his hips, needing desperately to relieve the pressure, to find the release she craved so badly. Jesse was groaning as his mouth continued to assault her chest before moving his face up to kiss her roughly.

"God Rach, I want you so bad"

She moved her hand down to his boxers, surpassing the barrier of his last article of clothing and taking him in her hand and stroking him up and down. He lets out a load grunt of pleasure, closing his eyes and breathing heavily as she continues to move her warm hand around his shaft, speeding up as his groans became louder.

"Fuck. Oh God Rachel"

He grasps her wrist tightly, pulling her hand away, his darkened eyes staring in to hers, filled with lust, animalistic. She looks at him questioningly, a small smirk gracing her lips. "If you don't stop this is gonna be over far too soon." His hand was now travelling down her body before he stopped at the edge of her panties "and I didn't even get to touch you yet" he smirked as his hand finally came into contact with her centre, rubbing her teasingly over her panties.

"God you're so wet" he groaned

Her moans were coming out louder now and she arched up off the bed, trying to move into his hand. He knew what she wanted and didn't waste any time in removing her panties, sliding them down her long tan legs before throwing them aside. When his fingers finally came into contact with her heat she let out a load gasp, her hands roughly grasping the bed sheets. He started to circle his index finger around her clit causing her to squirm under his hand, letting out the sexiest little moans. When he finally slid two fingers into her and her hot, wet walls enveloped them he almost blew his load right there and then.

"Oh Jesse. Please" she begged as he rubbed her, her hips grinding against his fingers trying to relieve the intense building pressure.

"Please what Rachel? Tell me what you want" he urged her, wanting so badly for her to say the words. She didn't disappoint.

"Fuck me Jesse" she whispered as he circled her clit with his thumb. That was all the encouragement he needed and he sat up and turned to look for his jeans. She whimpered at the loss of contact.

"Why are you stopping?" she whined, reaching for his arm to pull him back to her.

"I'm looking for a condom Rach" he chuckled "I have one in my wallet".

"No" she shook her head, her chest heaving "I'm on the pill. Please fuck me Jesse" she moaned desperately. He couldn't argue with that, and hearing her beg like that was without a doubt the hottest thing he had ever heard.

He lowered himself down on top of her and stared in her eyes as she looked up at him, her eyes half hooded, biting sexily on that pouty bottom lip.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life" he whispered as he slid into her.

Soon they were both worn out, lying there breathing heavily, completely spaced out in their post orgasmic haze. Rachel didn't exactly have a lot to compare it to but she was certain that sex couldn't get much better than that. Of course she had orgasms before, with both Finn and Noah but she had no idea that it could feel this amazing. She wanted to lie here and bask in this feeling forever. No worrying about a relationship or another boy, no feeling guilty. No strings. This is the perfect thing for her right now, no commitment just sex. She never really pictured herself as one of those girls, the friends with benefits type, but she could definitely see the appeal. And just because she was a good girl didn't mean she didn't have needs.

"That was amazing" Jesse panted, lying sweaty next to her looking sexier than any guy she'd ever seen.

"Yeah" she agreed, her naked chest rising and falling rapidly as she tried to catch her breath. He leaned over and ran his hand up her side as he kissed her again, gentler this time but still filled with passion.

"Jesse… you know this doesn't change anything right? I mean this was fun and I may even be up for a repeat and some point but… I'm not looking for a boyfriend" she finished feeling slightly dirty, like some kind of common slut. That feeling was preferable to heartbreak though and this was the only way to avoid it.

"I can respect that" he murmured, his thumb tracing lazily over her hip bone.

"Good" she smiled, running her hand over his strong defined chest, feeling herself become flustered thinking about how it had felt pressed against her body. He leaned down and kissed her again, causing her mind to go blank, forget anything and everything but the feel of his lips. She leaned into him, losing herself in the kiss and grabbed onto his short curls as he rolled on top of her again.

"Now about that repeat" he smirked before lowering his lips to hers once more.

* * *

><p><strong>So this took me a while to write... but since its so long I'm hoping I'm off the hook :D<strong>

**I ended up deleting and rewriting a lot of this so hopefully it turned out ok.**

**I thought I should mention that Sam does not exist in this story and neither does Lauren but Matt is still there.**

**I know a lot of you have been waiting for the 'benefiting' for a while and it will become more frequent but hopefully this is enough to please you all for now :)**

**I could really use some feedback on this chapter since I found it quite challenging so please review my beautiful readers! I reaaaally appreciate my regular reviewers but it would be great if a few more of you guys would let me know what you think :) ok sooo... thanks for everthing guys! until next time**

**xoxo zoellaa**


	10. Chapter 10

_****_**I'm back! **

**Ok first of all I want to apologise for being such a sucky updater :\ I recently moved house and it all got a bit crazy for a while and I just have not had any time to myself whatsoever. But I'm all sorted now so the updating will be getting better :) yayy**

**Also this chapter is mega short... I'm sorry. It was originally longer but I'm struggling with it a bit so I decided to chop it in half since I've already left you guys hanging long enough. **

**In the previous chapter I kind of reached the point I've been working towards and everyone has been waiting for since I started this story, and now that I've reached it I'm kind of stuck on where to go next. From the title of this story you guys will already have guessed that what happened in the last chapter will be more than a one time occurrence... but I mean beyond that aspect of the story, my muse is not cooperating. So I would reaaaaally appreciate some feedback and some suggestions! Even just if there's something you'd like to see happen, let me know. I always like to hear what you guys think :)**

**Hopefully I haven't pissed you guys off too much and I still have some readers out there! Also I changed the rating of this story to T.. while there is some mature content I don't really think its all that explicit!**

**Ok so sorry about the really long A/N ...On with the story!**

**xoxo zoellaa**

**Chapter 10**

_She could feel his breath on the back of her neck; warm and tantalising, every nerve ending in her body tingled as the feeling sent delicious shivers down her spine. They weren't shivers of fear or nerves but thrills of anticipation; a promise of what she hoped was to come. His strong arms wound tightly around her waist, possessively, not giving her the option of moving away from him. She felt his fingers softly caress the skin between her skirt and her tank top, rubbing gentle circles above each of her hip bones, heat instantly radiating off her skin under his touch and she allowed herself relax back into his solid chest, her body melting against him. She was ridiculously aware of the contact between their bodies, the warmth of him pressed against her back causing her head to swim and her heart to hammer in her chest so hard she was sure he could hear it, _feel_ it. This couldn't be normal, to react this strongly, to feel consumed so fully by someone when they're barely even touching you. Her body should not be betraying her head this way, succumbing to her senses and letting go of all her inhibitions, taking away her power over herself and not allowing her to think properly. She was pretty sure she was losing her mind but her brain, all of her conscious thought was completely drowning in her aching desire for him, robbing her of her ability to care. _

_Yes, she was definitely losing her mind. And there was no other reason but him._

_An involuntary gasp escaped her as he lowered his lips to her bare shoulder and she swore she could feel him smirk against her skin. _

_He knew. _

_He was completely aware of the effect he had on her and part of her knew she should put a stop to this, not cater to his ego so willingly. It was embarrassing really, but as his lips moved over her skin pressing gentle seductive kisses to her shoulder and neck, stirring up shivers in their wake, all better judgement went out the window. Her head was telling her to end this, to be sensible, but her body ached for his touch to the point where she was almost certain she would die if he stopped._

"_Jesse" she breathed, when his mouth descended down over her collar bone, gently sucking on that spot he knew drove her crazy. He wasn't playing fair, yet she honestly didn't know if murmuring his name had been intended as a warning or as encouragement. He must have taken it as the latter since he immediately moved his hands to rest over the base of her throat, trailing his fingers over her collar bone while his lips shifted to assault a spot behind her ear, nipping and teasing, giving in to her whispered plea. Her heart rate began to speed up more than she knew was possible when she felt his fingers idly trace down over her chest, every nerve in her body alive with a delicious yet torturing tingling sensation, skimming over the skin at the curve of her breast before pausing at the edge of her tank top. She felt herself stop breathing while his fingertips lingered there, her entire body hummed with excitement and anticipation, she felt so completely intoxicated by him, like he was in her blood, pumping through her veins. _

"_Tell me you want me" he half whispered, half growled in her ear. _

_Her eyes fluttered closed at his words, she felt them vibrate through every inch of her body, so urgent and hungry yet overwhelmingly desperate. It was like he needed to know that this wasn't one sided. That she needed him, craved him just as much as he did her. That she felt all the same feelings that immersed his entire self now, that at this moment nothing else in the world mattered._

"_I want you" she choked out, her voice breathless, thick with lust. _

_He exhaled loudly against the skin of her shoulder and she shuddered at the feeling. Those words were the only encouragement Jesse needed to let his hands wander down and finally come to rest on her breasts. She wasn't wearing a bra and the only thing separating his hands from her skin was the thin layer of her tank top. She let out a soft moan as his fingers grazed over her hardening nipples at an agonisingly slow pace, half wishing he would stop the torture and give her what she wanted yet also wanting him to carry on this deliciously arousing exploration of her body forever. His lips were still moving against her neck, his teeth grazing her teasingly and his tongue tasting her earning soft little whimpers that were escaping her without her permission. A long low moan left her mouth and she arched into him as he took one of her hardened nipples between his thumb and finger and pinched it. That was all the teasing she could take and her body hummed with unreleased sexual energy, begging for relief as he proceeded to swiftly spin her around to face him before bringing her back into his hold and finally capturing her lips in a bruising kiss. _

_His lips were insistent, urgent and she responded all too eagerly, parting her lips and inviting his tongue into her mouth. She was suddenly aware she was moving but before her brain had fully registered this she felt the back of her legs hit something; her desk. Before she knew it, she was sprawled out on top of it, her legs wrapped around him while they devoured each other like animals. Books and papers and stationary was being knocked off and hitting the ground in loud clatters while Jesse groped at her legs and she eagerly ground into his hips but neither of them cared or even gave a thought to the mess they were creating. The only thing on either of their minds was each other and how desperately they wanted this, ached for each other. The feeling of him pressed against her centre made her dizzy; the heat pooled in her lower belly, tension building that was begging to be released. She moaned loudly into his mouth as she felt his hands slide up under her tank top, "Rachel" he whispered as his fingers finally grazed just below her naked breasts-_

"Rachel! Rachel are you even listening?"

Rachel was abruptly shaken out of her thoughts by the harsh tone of Mercedes who right now wore a terrifying expression.

"What? I… I mean yes. Of course I am. We… we were talking about the choreography" she blabbered, hoping to bluff her way back into everyone's good graces.

"No. Santana, Brittany and Tina are working out the choreography over there while we finish this arrangement. Jeez what is up with you today diva? You been spacing out all day" as much as Mercedes was clearly irritated, Rachel could hear the concern in her voice. It made her feel slightly guilty for causing them to worry about her when really the whole thing was just silly boy drama.

"I'm fine. Really its nothing, I guess I'm just a little tired today" she tried to assure them. Quinn and Mercedes shrugged and went back to writing down the vocal arrangements for their glee assignment but the sceptical looks on their faces told her they didn't quite buy it.

For the rest of the hour Rachel made half hearted suggestions and agreed with all of their decisions but apart from pretending she was interested in what they were working on, she wasn't really paying much attention at all. She hated herself for admitting it but it was strikingly obvious that her mind was occupied by something else.

A sexy, curly haired, incredibly well dressed something.

Whenever Rachel allowed her mind to wander, her thoughts immediately went back to yesterday and what had happened with Jesse.

She hadn't meant for it to happen. She instigated the whole thing during a rage black out and it was all a bit hazy on how had gotten home from school and ended up in bed with Jesse. She couldn't deny that it had been reckless and would undoubtedly change things in a major way but she also couldn't refute that she wanted it to happen, had wanted it to for weeks and that it was her angry rage that had given her the nerve to finally go through with it. Still, she couldn't help the anxiety that plagued her at the thought of this becoming another self destructive relationship that sent her back into a downward spiral of self loathing and depression, along with the loss of yet another valued friendship.

That was exactly what she _didn__'__t_ need.

Thinking about being with Jesse again caused butterflies to erupt in her stomach and tingles to sweep over her body. Thinking about singing amazing duets with him, falling asleep with him while watching old movies; she wanted it, of course she did. Rachel wanted everything with him, exactly how it used to be and more. But the fighting, the deceit and the heartache; _that_ _she __didn__'__t __want_. While Jesse could be incredibly sweet and caring and affectionate, everything a boyfriend should be and more, there was a part of her that wouldn't let her forget the past. She'd seen what he was capable of and while the side of himself he chose to show her was amazing, there was also his more mysterious side, the side that lay behind his ever present show face and that's the side that scared her. Jesse was after all, the most talented actor she'd ever met. He had been able to fool her so easily the last time and he did it with such skill that even after it was all over, when she was left with a broken heart and a last place trophy, a part of her still thought there may be hope for them yet.

Rachel refused to let herself be that vulnerable with him again, whether he had really changed like he claimed to or not, to her it wasn't worth the risk. As much as she wished she could just surrender to him and let him bring all her walls down, she couldn't allow herself to be so bare in front of him like that. The irony was not lost on her that just yesterday she bared herself for him in an entirely different way, but that was one way she could handle, she could control. Jesse just had too much power over her, it was overwhelming, completely daunting and it scared her like nothing else could.

The thing that was most annoying was that Rachel was itching to see him again, to be with him like she had been the previous night. As reluctant as she was to trust him again, she couldn't deny the attraction between them and just thinking about him caused her body to ache for his touch and the soft timbre of his voice. That was something she'd come to realise she didn't want to give up, however much she had tried to prevent it from occurring at first, now that it had, she couldn't just ignore the word of her body anymore. Why does it have to mean something? There was no reason to involve all of the feelings and the commitment when it was really just a physical thing. Not to say Rachel was the kind of person to engage in casual sex. Usually she wasn't. She wanted the commitment and the long talks about feelings and the trust and loving support.

She was a relationship girl.

But why couldn't she be? People were always talking about having 'life experiences' so that she could draw upon it for certain roles or for writing songs. Surely a no-strings fling would class as a life experience? It would certainly be helpful were she ever required to portray a 'loose woman'. Rachel had been the relationship girl before and that had ended in nothing but disaster. Frankly she didn't think she had the energy left in her to get over yet another failed relationship, yet another broken heart. She's pretty sure she's had just about all she can handle and if she were ever to invest herself fully in another relationship she's certain it won't be for a very long time. Allowing herself to fall to pieces and give up on life before she's won her first Tony certainly wasn't an option. Jesse seemed to understand when she said she wasn't looking for a relationship despite what had happened (he'd even been eager for round two) so maybe she could convince him to make what happened yesterday a more regular occurrence. This way they both get what they want without the hassle and drama of a relationship (although she wasn't so sure about the latter, the pair of them certainly had a flair for dramatics).

None the less, it was decided. At this point in her life, the best thing Rachel could do to avoid losing control on her life was to completely shut herself down emotionally (unless in the spotlight of course) and become the total anti-girl. Like Santana.


End file.
